The Young Ones:TIME 2
[NOTE: Please send corrections to Steve Rapport. Thanks.]
RADIO ANNOUNCER: [the radio is lying in Neil's prone hand] Excuse me, but there is a news flash, if anybody is listening.
VYVYAN: Virgin! Virgin!
RICK: I am not a virgin! I'm not a virgin! All right, all right. All right [Vyvyan stops hitting him], if I'm a virgin, how come I know what a girl's bottom looks like?
VYVYAN: [pause] From looking in the mirror.
RICK: Damn! [Vyvyan starts flailing away on Rick again]
MIKE: That's it, baby. Treat me rough.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: No, no, a murderer! [Vyvyan grabs the radio] That's better. [Vyvyan hits Rick with the radio] No! [Rick grabs the radio, throws it at Vyvyan, but misses] No, no, you idiot, I'm your last hope!
RICK: I'm not a virgin! [Picks up a chair threateningly]
NEIL: [gets up] Hey, I've just heard something amazingly heavy on the radio!
RICK: I am not!
RICK: Well, I'm not surprised, considering you smell so much!
MIKE: Rick, I don't wish to suggest your jokes are predictable, but there are as-of-yet undiscovered tribes in the heart of the Peruvian jungle, who knew you were going to say that.
LIGHT BULB: [walking out of the house] Strange thing is, Rick's right! That hippie really does bomb!
NEIL: Here's a joke for you, Rick. How many people, who live in this house, right, does it take to change a light bulb? One. Me. Cause I'm the only person who ever does anything around here!
RICK: Oh, yeah. What about Amazulu?
VYVYAN: Yeah! And me!
RICK: And, um, yes, Thing.
RICK: Thank you. Thank you. [pause] We're waiting!
NEIL: I still don't see why we can't use the stepladder.
VYVYAN: Honestly, Neil. Of all the stupid ideas.
MIKE: Don't worry, Neil. We've worked everything out to the minutest detail. Your angle of trajection, your specific velocity...
VYVYAN: Where to bury you.
MIKE: Where to bury you. [laughs] No, no, no...
VYVYAN: [laughs] No, no, no.
MIKE: Only joking, Neil. God bless you. You saw the dummy run with did with a sack of potatoes.
NEIL: That wasn't a sack of potatoes, Mike. It was a packet of smash!
MIKE: And everyone knows that's better than real potatoes. That's exactly what I mean.
VYVYAN: And what's the problem, Neil? The dummy run was a complete success!
NEIL: What do you mean? The packet was smashed into 15 million pieces! And every single one of those pieces was smashed into 15 million pieces. And, although at that point I stopped counting, I wouldn't be surprised if...
VYVYAN: Exactly, Neil. And you are a totally different size and weight than a packet of smash, so we should be all right.
RICK: Please, please, can we get on with it? What's all the fuss about? It's only Neil, for Cliff's sake.
MIKE: OK, don't worry, Neil. And remember, as you pass the light fitting, change the bulb. Ready, guys? Five...four...
MIKE, VYVYAN, RICK: [together] ...three...two...
VYVYAN: That's only his cornflakes, Michael. He keeps them in his socks to stop me from stealing them.
RICK: I mark mine individiually with sticky labels.
VYVYAN: That doesn't worry me. I just eat the labels as well.
MIKE: Come on!
NEIL: Yeah! [Takes the replacement bulb out of his pocket. He never put it in.] Here it is, safe and sound.
RICK: Yes.
VYVYAN: Virgin! Virgin!! [Chases Rick upstairs]
MIKE: [goes over to Helen, who examining herself in her compact] Here we are, baby. Ready for action, ready for fun, ready for love, and [checks his watch] it's only just gone one.
HELEN: Is that the time?
MIKE: No, time is an abstract concept. This is a wristwatch.
HELEN: I must be going. [starts to leave]
MIKE: Wait a minute! What's two foot long with a big round end?
HELEN: [pause, smiles coyly] I don't know.
MIKE: Neither do I, but I keep finding it in my cornflakes.
NEIL: [gets up] Mike, Mike! Rick's pretend girlfriend has been crushed by a, sort of, medieval knight.
MIKE: That's all well and groovy, but why the fancy dress? And who are you?
KNIGHT: I'm a knight of the Square Table.
MIKE: Square Table?
KNIGHT: Well, you see, King Arthur didn't consider me cool and hip enough to be on the Round Table on account of some of my suits of armor have still got flares.
MIKE: Ah! Well, you can't get sqaurer than that.
NEIL: Shut up, Mike! [goes to Knight] Nothing wrong with flares.
KNIGHT: And also, I'm not really into war at all. Look!
[takes out a bouquet of flowers, puts it on his lance]
Flowers on the end of my lance.
NEIL: Ahhhhh.
KNIGHT: And if I ever have to fight a dragon, I'll try to look at it from the dragon's point of view.
NEIL: Oh, that's beautiful. Hippie knight.
KNIGHT: [takes out a club, hits Neil with it] Sorry, man. That's my job.
VYVYAN: Found it!
RICK: Well, you can just about bloomin' well put it back this instant, young man!
VYVYAN: I will, I will. Just as soon as I've blown you to pieces.
PEASANT #1: All right, you're on.
PEASANT #2: One! [#3 kicks, but nothing happens]
PEASANT #3: That's the third cup of tea I've already lost today.
VYVYAN: Not for long, matey.
PEASANT: He's a sorcerer! [The townspeople start after him]
NEIL: No, I was just wondering where the bus stop had gone. The one that was where that hut is.
VYVYAN: [takes the money] Thank you.
RICK: Yes, I'll get the T-shirts printed up first thing in the morning.
MIKE: Neil, have you upset the neighbours?
NEIL: No, I've blown them up!
RICK: Wow! And who said Sunday was a day of rest?
VYVYAN: God did.
RICK: That's right. I knew it was someone Tory.
NEIL: I knew I shouldn't have touched that magpie.
RICK: God, Neil, you're so superstitious. Anyone would think we're living in the Middle Ages.
MIKE: [looks out the window] I don't want to worry you, but we are!
VYVYAN: What? [the others run to the window] Oh, no! It seems as though, mysteriously, the whole house has gone through some sort of time warp.
RICK: God, isn't is all simply enchanting? It's like one of those wonderful drawings by Roy Hill with lots of working-class people, thrashing about the place with pitchforks.
NEIL: Yeah! They look pretty angry, don't they?
RICK: Just think. No nuclear power, no pollution, no electric cables ruining the landscape...
MIKE, NEIL, VYVYAN, RICK: [together] No telly!
NEIL: Oh, no! I'll die if I miss Scooby Doo!
VYVYAN: Bloody right, Neil! Everybody panic!
RICK: Right. [turns on the TV]
VYVYAN: You're very lucky, Neil.
PRINCESS: Our first victim tonight is Pusspecker the Dull!
PUSSPECKER: A little, Jester, yes.
BALOWSKI: [laughs] And apparently, you're married with one lovely daughter.
PUSSPECKER: That's right, Jester. Gwenneth.
BALOWSKI: Gwenneth. That's right. But unfortunately, she can't be with us tonight, can she?
BALOWSKI & PUSSPECKER: [together] No.
BALOWSKI: No, because she's not very lovely at the moment.
BALOWSKI & PUSSPECKER: [together] No.
BALOWSKI: No. Because she's got the plague at the moment, doesn't she?!
PUSSPECKER: Yes.
BALOWSKI: And her face is one enormous bag of pus!
PUSSPECKER: That's right, Jester. As a matter of fact, there is quite a funny story attached to that. Because she wanted to come along tonight, but her arms fell off.
PUSSPECKER: [in unbelievable pain] Yeah, yeah!
BALOWSKI: Would you like some live scampi in your britches?
PUSSPECKER: That'd be nice. [Audience cheers]
BALOWSKI: Or would you like to have your eyes sucked out by a goat and replaced with some hot toffee apples? [More cheers] Well, it's completely bloody irrelevant anyway. Tell us, Pusspecker, exactly what was your crime?
PUSSPECKER: Wesleyan on a Tuesday, Jester. [Audience boos]
BALOWSKI: You bastard! We've got for you, later on, Pro-Celebrity Torture, in which today Toby Gruntsplatter, pain-giver for the court of King Edward the Optical Illusion
MIKE: They think we're witches, and they're going to burn us!
VYVYAN: We're completely trapped. The outlook is bleak!
NEIL: What're we going to do?
VYVYAN: [pause] Oh, who cares?
MIKE: Yeah.
[Helen starts over, carrying a large knife]
MIKE: Hey, that's a good idea! Why don't we go upstairs and have breakfast in bed?[Rick's bed falls through the ceiling and lands on the kitchen table.]
RICK: I am not a virgin![He smashes Rick with a pillow as debris falls all around them.]
MIKE: Maybe we could stay here for bed in breakfast.[Helen covers Mike's ears as she leads him to the couch. She starts smothering him with a pillow.]
RADIO ANNOUNCER: As I've been trying to tell you for the last ten minutes, that girl with her hands over Mike's ears is a dangerous murderer![The radio flies out the window]
VYVYAN: [flips Rick the "V-salute] Missed me, virgin![Vyvyan lifts Neil over his head]
VYVYAN: Virgin! Virgin! Virgin![There's a loud "pop" and darkness comes over the room.]
NEIL: [looks up] Oh, no. The light bulb's gone.[The band Amazulu starts playing "So Much Love" in the kitchen. Everyone starts dancing wildly. Vyvyan tosses Neil in the air, does a half turn, catches him again.]
MIKE: This is our song, baby. Let's dance. [Helen starts strangling Mike again]
[Vyvyan drops Neil, and he crashes to the floor, knocked out again.]
RICK: [kicks Neil's prone body] Neil, are you going to change the light bulb or not? Cause, quite frankly, me and Mike are getting pretty sick of your laziness![The song is over]
VYVYAN: [standing on a ladder] Yes, that was very sweet. But can you get out now? We're trying to change the light bulb.[The band slowly files out.]
[Neil is cowering on one end of a homemade catapult. Mike, Rick, and Vyvyan are standing on a ladder at the other end of the catapult.]
RICK: Stop sniveling, Neil. It's because of you the light bulb went in the first place.[Neil poohs in his pants in fear of the impending]
MIKE: Don't worry, Neil. That won't effect your overall weight. Ready, guys? One! [Vyvyan and Rick jump. Neil flies up into the ceiling. His head breaks through the upstairs floor.]
NEIL: Oh, wow. Oh, no, this carpet really needs hoovering! [Makes a sucking noise, imitating a vacuum cleaner.]
MIKE: [with the others, pulling on Neil's ankles] It's strange, but every time I pull at Neil's ankles, great flakes of crusty skin come off beneath my fingernails.[with a big pull, Neil comes loose, crashing down on top of them]
Ceiling may have fallen in but at least the light bulb's all right.[Vyvyan grabs it and smashes it over Neil's head. Neil goes down again.]
VYVYAN: Where were we? [pause] Oh, yes. Virgin.[A horse, ridden by a knight on horseback, knocks the door down. Helen is crushed.]
Now I'll never know.[The Knight walks in. He's young, wearing a suit of armor, and has long wavy brown hair.]
KNIGHT: Oh, roadie, doadie, doo-dah-day.[Vyvyan has Rick trapped at one end of the hallway with an anti-tank gun.]
RICK: Vyv! Where did you get that howitzer?![He fires, and Rick barely gets out of the way. The shot flies far out the window.]
[Three peasants are sitting around, gambling]
PEASANT #3: I bet, in one second, both of my legs will fall off![The knight rides by, carrying Helen and Neil on the back of his horse]
KNIGHT: Hey, everyone, there's a 20th Century pad back there, and they're giving away free damsels! Here, have one. [He throws Neil off the horse into the mud]
NEIL: Excuse me, but can you tell me when's the next bus? [Vyvyan's mortar shot lands on the three peasants, blowing them up]
[Vyvyan re-aims for another shot.]
RICK: Oh, no! Vyvyan! No! Please! You were right and I was wrong! I am a virgin![Shoots and misses again]
NEIL: [sees the other peasants coming after him with sticks] Look, sorry about your relatives.[Points to the hut. Vyvyan's shot blows the hut up. The outraged peasants chase after Neil]
[Rick leads Vyvyan downstairs. Rick has a handmade sign around his neck that reads "I AM A VIRGIN". He is counting some money.]
RICK: Here's 59 pence compensation for disagreeing with you.[Vyvyan hits Rick with the Knight's club.]
NEIL: [runs in, leans the door up against the frame, puts a chair in front of it] Barricade the door! Lock the windows! Pretend to be invisible! I've just committed a bit of a faux-pas.[The boys scurry about. Vyvyan throws a noose over a ceiling beam and stands Neil up on a chair. He puts the noose around Neil's neck.]
NEIL: When you said panic, I didn't think you meant hang me.[Vyvyan, Rick, and Mike sit on the sofa]
VYVYAN: Rick, get the telly.[Jerzei Balowski is standing in casual clothes in front of a back drop reading "Did You See?"]
BALOWSKI: ...in the battle between TV stations for higher ratings.[kicks chair away and Neil crashes onto the floor]
BALOWSKI: ...because the BBC came back with "Strip Sex Nuclear Dance on Ice" with Torvill and Dean. Of course, ITV immediately came back with "Roll in the Racks, TV AM Public Executions". Cut his head off, yeah! [The backdrop starts to raise up] But now, we have...[A woman dressed like a Middle Ages princess]
PRINCESS: Jester Balowski's Medieval Torture Hour![The stage is set like a castle dungeon, witch racks, whips, and chains everywhere. The studio audience goes wild when Balowski comes out, dressed like a court jester.]
BALOWSKI: Yeah, medieval torture. And our first victim tonight is... Gwendolyn?[A man comes running out of the audience to the stage. He is wearing the tatters of a once-medieval outfit.]
BALOWSKI: Come on down! Pusspecker, come here! Whoo hoo! Bursting for medieval torture. First question, are you nervous, Pusspecker?[The audience laughs]
BALOWSKI: I hope you're ready, so pay attention, because we'll be right back after this break.[He grabs Pusspecker's right arm and breaks it over his knee]
Now, would you like to be tortured?[an enormous man in a black leather jacket and hood is holding a sign that says "Toby Gruntsplatter". Audience cheers.]
will be torturing a team comprised of Dennis Waterman's Show Business Eleven![There's an old man in a black robe, holding a sign saying "Dennis Waterman's Showbiz XI". On his right is the hippie knight, on his left is Helen Mucus. She is brushing her hair. Audience cheers.]
Including Sir Geoffrey Chaucer [old man waves], Sir Voltiger the Old Fart [Knight gives the peace sign], and Helen, the completely mad murderess![An arrow hits the boys' TV and shuts it off.]
RICK: Oh, no! The whole house has been surrounded by angry medieval peasants![They sit down and start playing cards]