EXECUTIVE EXECUTIVE: Bad Spelling F.R.I.C.S.

STORYLINE CONSULTANT: George Oilwell B.A.

SERIES CASTING: Fred Snatchby JNR.

VITRIOL CASTING: Miss Nina Cow F.A.K.E.

BUDGETARY CONSULTANT: Tee James A.C.E.

20 YEAR PLANNING: "Dickie"

TIME - A Young Ones Production

Starring (not in alphabetical order)

RIK MAYALL as Bobby

[Rick, clothed in a blue suit, boots, and cowboy hat, dives into a bar-side swimming pool]

CHRISTOPHER RYAN as The Late Grant Fairfax
[Mike is lying in a coffin, looking serene, clutching a fistful of money]

ADRIAN EDMONDSON as Randy the Cowpoke
[Vyvyan is standing next to a cow, wearing chaps, a hat, and his denim vest]

NIGEL PLANER as E.T.
[Neil is silhoutted in a cowboy hat, smoking a huge marijuana cigar]

VICTORIAN PRINCIPALS as The Dumb Blonde with Big Tits
[A blonde in low-cut is sitting at a desk, her tits pressing the keys of an electric typewriter]

ELIZABETHAN ATTITUDES as The Dumb Blonde with Big Tits Who Drinks Too Much
[A different blonde in low-cut dress gazes uncertainly and falls down, plastered]

and GEORGIAN CRESCENTS as The Big Blonde with Dumb Tits
[A tall blonde turns to reveal her breasts are on her back]

SPECIAL GUEST STAR ALEXEI SAYLE as Joan Collins
[Sayle, sitting at a bar in a black negligee, dumps a bottle of vodka in his lap]

SNUGGLES as Himself

[a black dog falls over at the sound of a gun shot]

[OPENING SCENE: The screen shows the logo of "ET Oil". Bobby Malvenes (Rick) is pacing in front of a secretary's desk, dressed in a brown business suit and cowboy hat.]

[Slams a report on her desk]

MALVENES: Not the film. I'm talking about E.T. Fairfax, the new head of Global Oil, your boss.

[A buzzer rings]

[She smiles, teeth sparkling. The screen caption reads, "A MORAL MINORITY PRODUCTION IN ASSOCIATION WITH C.R.A.P."]

[holds up four fingers to accent the number]

[Holds up five fingers, can't go any further, gives up]

[Reads from the memo]

[Removes his hat to reveal a bad "mod" haircut"]

[E.T. turns. Neil is wearing his normal clothes, smoking the joint]

MALVENES: No, I would not!

E.T.: [into the phone] No tea.

[Hangs up, turns to the window]

E.T.: [throws some money out the window] Yeah. [turns back] Listen! This company's been doing some pretty heavy things over the years, right. And it's gotta start getting beautiful or this planet's heading for oblivion!

MALVENES: My God, you're right, E.T.! What am I doing wearing these businessman's clothes? I'd better take them off before I turn into a computer.

[Removes his jacket]

MALVENES: Let's be Indians! [sounds a war cry]

[Bells start ringing in the distance. The Secretary runs in, wearing an ndian headband.]

E.T.: Yeah!

VYVYAN'S VOICE: Shut up, you bastards!

E.T.: [confused] What?

[The scene fasdes to Neil sleeping and Vyvyan yelling at the church bells]

NEIL: [wakes up, creeps under his covers] Oh, no.

VYVYAN: Shut up, you bastards! It's only eleven o'clock! Shut the bloody bells off!!

[Rick is sleeping next to a woman named Helen, although we don't know that yet. He wakes up, notices her with a double-take, then crawls the length of the bed, examining her body the whole way with a grunt of pleasure. He puts dirty pants on over filthy underwear. Walks into the hall, where Vyvyan is pounding his head into the wall.]

VYVYAN: Piss off.

RICK: Vyvyan, do you remember anything about...?

VYVYAN: Look, will you stop trying to break my concentration, Rick? I'm trying to get rid of this hangover!

RICK: Yes, it was quite a party last night, wasn't it?

[Rick walks away, and Vyvyan picks up with the pace, using a hammer to drive his head into the wall.]

[Mike is sitting at the kitchen table, taking newspapers and throwing them into a pile. Most of the rest of the room is a complete mess.]

MIKE: Well, I've got all the Sunday papers to get through.

RICK: Quite a party last night, wasn't it?

MIKE: Did we go to a party? Must've been good, I don't remember it.

RICK: [laughs, then winces and holds his head in hangover] I'll just make some tea, shall I? [goes to a tray of cups]

MIKE: Eh?

RICK: I thought I'd just make some tea. [counts cups, being clever] One cup, two cups, three cups, four cups... [throws a cup away] Oh, no! We've only got four cups, Mike, and we need five! [waits for a response] I said, we need five cups, Mike!

MIKE: There's another one in the sink, Rick.

RICK: [takes tray to the sink] I expect you're wondering why we need an extra cup, aren't you, Mike?

MIKE: No.

RICK: [tears open a tea bag, pours the leaves into a pot] Yes, well, you and me, Mike, we're men of the world, aren't we? Vyvyan and Neil wouldn't understand that grown men like us need...well, we need...

MIKE: Two cups of tea.

RICK: Yes. But no, no. I mean, yes, we need two cups of tea, but we don't drink both of them!

MIKE: Oh, no. Exactly. The other one's for Trevor.

RICK: Trevor?

MIKE: Yeah, you know, Trevor. My friend who lives in the bin.

RICK: [points to garbage can] This bin?

MIKE: Well, he'd hardly live in a biscuit barrel, now, would he?

RICK: Why not?

MIKE: It's full of biscuits!

[Rick pours sugar into both cups and starts upstairs]

RICK: What? What?!

MIKE: Trevor's tea. [points to the bin]

RICK: Yes, but...

MIKE: Trevor's tea!

RICK: [hesitates, goes to the bin, talks into it] Hello, Trevor! My name's Rick. Yes, hi. I'm a close friend of Mike's. I was wondering if you fancied a cup of tea this morning. Oh, you don't. Oh. [turns back to Mike] No, he said he's feeling a little bit queasy and he doesn't think he'll bother.

MIKE: [laughs] Had you going, Rick, didn't I, eh?

RICK: What?

MIKE: Talking to an empty bin?

RICK: Ah. [laughs]

MIKE: On a Sunday morning? [Mike and Rick laugh] There's no one in there. [pause] He's gone to church.

RICK: Well, then, I wonder who the extra cup of tea is for?

[turns to go upstairs, but runs into Neil, who's coming down. The warm tea splashes on Rick.]

Oh! Ah! Oh! Neil deliberately scalded me! I am disfigured for life! I am the Elephant Man!!

NEIL: Oh, no, Rick, sorry about that. It's just that there's something really freaky going on...

RICK: Lick it up.

NEIL: What?

RICK: Lick it up, every last drop. Now!

NEIL: [bends down] Just hang on a minute. Has it got any sugar in it?

RICK: Yes. Yes, a little bit. Yes.

NEIL: Well, I can't. Because, like, you know, sugar rots your teeth and gives you brain damage.

RICK: Well, you should've thought of that before you came stampeding in here like a long-haired elephant, shouldn't you?!

NEIL: You mean, like a mammoth?

RICK: Yes! No, look, it doesn't matter! Just get down there and start licking.

NEIL: Well, it does matter quite a lot, actually. Cause mammoths aren't long-haired. They're more like woolly. You know, woolly mammoths.

RICK: Yes! Yes, and they're extinct.

NEIL: Which proves what a bad analogy it was in the first place, because I'm not extinct, am I?

RICK: Shut up! Just get down there and start cleaning up this mess! [pushes Neil down] Pig!

NEIL: Oh, so I'm a pig now too, am I?

RICK: Yes, yes! Now, get licking, Porky!

NEIL: [picks cups up, stands] Well, I don't mind being a pig, cause, for your information, pigs are really intelligent, actually.

RICK: Oh?

NEIL: Yeah, like dolphins.

RICK: Oh, so they are, are they? Well, tell me, Neil. Who invented the internal combustion engine? Was it Porky the Pig? No, it was Lincoln Rawls, wasn't it?! And the Theory of Relativity. Was Pythagoras a pig? No, he was a Greek, wasn't he? So tell me, Neil. You're the expert. [grabs the cups] What's the major piggie contribution to civilization?

NEIL: Ummm.... [pause, thinking]

RICK: It's bacon, isn't it? Bacon and rooling around in the mud. Look out, Michaelangelo, here comes the new piggie Renaissance!

[Vyvyan bumps into Rick as he comes downstairs, a stick of dynamite strapped to his head]

RICK: Well, that'll teach you to mix your drinks!

[Balowski, in a black suit and derby, walks into a china shop]

SALESMAN: No, sir.

BALOWSKI: Well, that sketch's knackered then, innit?

[Back to the house]

VYVYAN: I already know how to mix my drinks, Rick.

MIKE: Yeah. Paint stripper and bleach. Lethal.

[Vyvyan staggers over to a chair. He sees several of them before his eyes.]

[Sits on the chair he picked and crashes to the floor, because he chose incorrectly.]

MIKE: Oh, don't worry about it, Neil. She probably got lost on the way to my room.

RICK: I very much doubt it, actually, Mike. Because, as a matter of interest, everybody, the girl in question is with me!

MIKE: Eh?

[A woman hops into the room, dressed as a large brown rabbit and carrying a basket of eggs]

RICK: But it's June the 12th.

BUNNY: What?

VYVYAN: It's the middle of summer, big ears!

BUNNY: [dejected] Oh, God, I'm sorry. [takes eggs back] I'm really sorry. [Leaves]

MIKE, VYVYAN, NEIL: [to Rick, together] Eh?

NEIL: You mean, you, like, scored with a chick?

RICK: Well, of course, I wouldn't put it in such sexist terms, Neil, but yes.

MIKE: Now, wait a minute, Rick. I'm the one who gets the girls around here. There could be a copyright problem.

VYVYAN: [sits on the chair] But I don't understand. How? Was she unconscious?

RICK: What, Vyvyan? Do I detect a little spark of jealousy?

VYVYAN: Ha! I'm not jealous. I find the idea of spending a night with you completely revolting!

RICK: You know perfectly well what I mean. Just because I was the most wanted and attractive guy at the party last night...

NEIL: What do you mean, Rick? You passed out after half a glass of cider.

RICK: Did I? Well, that's a bit anarchic! Anyway, it just goes to show you, Neil. Even when I'm unconscious, I can pick up the birds. I mean, forge meaningful relationships with birds...chicks...tarts...women. Women!

VYVYAN: I must be hallucinating. What's good for a hangover?

MIKE: Drinking heavily the night before.

NEIL: Was it, like, was it the first time you...?

RICK: [laughs] How could you think such a thing, my first time! Ha!

NEIL: What was it like? [his head nods with excitement]

RICK: [pause] Well, you know...it was sort of...you know.

NEIL: [still nodding] No, I don't.

RICK: Well, it was sort of [pause] sexy.

VYVYAN: Oh, God. I think I'm going to be violently and copiously sick.

NEIL: Go into, like, really lengthy and vivid detail about the whole thing.

VYVYAN: First, I'm going to bend over and open my mouth. Then I'm going to wretch until the muscles in my ailmentary canal go into spasm...

NEIL: No, not you, Vyvyan! Rick! I wanna hear about it, like, blow by blow!

RICK: Eh? [laughs, gets the joke] Well, what can I say? Have you got a spare couple of days?

NEIL: Yeah.

RICK: Well, what can I say? It was amazing.

[Mike sticks a microphone in front of Rick, who is too busy making the whole thing up to notice]

MIKE: [into the mike] Like what?

[puts the mike back in Rick's face]

[Helen appears at the bottom of the stairs, wearing a blue dress, rather attractive.]

NEIL: Hello.

RICK: Good morning.

[Tries to stick his tongue in her ear, but she avoids him and is led to a chair in the kitchen by Mike.]

RICK: Shut up, Mike. [to Helen] I didn't hear you come in.

HELEN: Well, I did.

RICK: Come in. [sees she's in] Uh, er, sit down. [sees she's already sitting] Uh, have some breakfast. Let me introduce you to everybody.

MIKE: [takes out a box of cornflakes, dumps it out on the table. A toy elephant is lying in the middle of the pile] Last one to find the jungle animal takes off all their clothes.

[Removes the elephant]

RICK: [laughs] This is Michael. [motions to Neil] This is Neil. [points to Vyvyan] That's Vyvyan, being sick. Guys, this is...[realizes he doesn't know her name, mumbles]

HELEN: Who are you?

RICK: God, it's all so casual, isn't it? [whispers to Helen] It's Rick. Rick.

[Vyvyan slowly moves over and puts his face next to her chest. Mike and Neil are also staring at her.]

RICK: [excited] Come on, Neil! Get on with the breakfast! Honestly, we haven't got all day!

VYVYAN: Yes, we have.

RICK: What?

MIKE: He's right, Rick. It's Sunday, we have got all day.

RICK: That's not really the point. [motions to Neil to the cupboards] That's not what I'm trying to say.

NEIL: What's the matter, Rick?

RICK: [very mad] Nothing. I'll just go make the breakfast, shall I?

MIKE: [gets a stare from Helen] I know what you're thinking, baby. And if I was the telly, you'd think I was talking in centimetres.

HELEN: I'm sorry?

MIKE: I'll bet you are. So there's always tonight. What'd you say your name was?

HELEN: Promise you won't laugh? [Mike nods] It's Helen. [Vyvyan laughs, but Mike stops him] Sounds like the kind of name someone would give to someone who looks as if they'd been to Hell and back, isn't it? [Vyvyan is really confused] It's prestigiously embarassing. Still, at least my surname isn't Back. It'd be awful, wouldn't it? Helen Back. [pause] My surname is Mucous.

[Rick is standing behind her, making obscene gestures regarding their supposed encounter. Helen turns, catching him.]

VYVYAN: You asking?

RICK: I'm asking.

VYVYAN: Well, piss off!

[goes back to staring at Helen's chest. Rick shuts the radio off.]

HELEN: I hope I'm not putting you all out.

MIKE, NEIL, VYVYAN, RICK: [together] No!

HELEN: I hope you don't mind me spending the night, but I was desperate for somewhere to stay. And when I saw you had all gone away for the weekend, I climbed in the kitchen window, found an empty bed, and went to sleep.

MIKE, NEIL, VYVYAN: [together] Eh?

RICK: No, no, no, darling. No. It wasn't an empty bed, was it? Cause I was in there.

HELEN: Were you? You weren't when I woke up.

NEIL: Rick, you bloody liar! You said you done it to her...[to Helen] He said he done it to you!

RICK: Look, there's obviously been some ghastly misunderstanding.

VYVYAN: [stands] Ha ha ha ha ha! Rick is still a virgin!

RICK: I'm not! I am not a virgin!

VYVYAN: Virgin! Virgin! Virgin!

RICK: I am not!

[pushes Vyvyan, moves away. Vyvyan takes a cup and throws it at Rick, hitting him in the head. Rick throws a bottle, but misses Vyvyan and hits Neil, knocking him out. Vyvyan sits and looks smug. Rick smashes a cabinet over Vyvyan's head. He wipes off his hands and turns the radio on.]

[Vyvyan stabs Rick in the butt with a fork and stands, chasing him with the cabinet still over his torso]

MIKE: I'll have a boiled egg, Rick!

RADIO ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this program to bring you an emergency news flash. A dangerous and violent murderess has escaped from a maximum security jail and is on the loose in your area.

[The scene switches to a pirate DJ office. A candle is lit to show "On The Air". A pirate, Billy Blood, is sitting at the microphone. He's a cyclops, with a patch over his one eye.]

SMYTHE: No, sir. Smythe, the bo'sun, sir.

BILLY: Ah, you're right. Can't see a thing with this damn patch on. [Lifts patch] Ah, you're a strapping young lad. Why don't you come sit on your Uncle Billy's knee?

SMYTHE: [takes off his hat] Aye aye, sir.

BILLY: Aye aye sir?! What the devil'd you mean by that?! Was that some kind of joke to my ocular capacity?!

SMYTHE: No, Captain.

BILLY: Well, I'll show you what we do with insubordination on my ship!

[Goes to the door, calls out]

SMYTHE: [pretends to enter, but he's already in] Yes, sir!

BILLY: There you are! Take this man out and flog him.

SMYTHE: Very good, Captain.

[Leaves the room. He cracks a whip, screaming as if he were really getting flogged. Goes back in.]

SMYTHE: I flogged him, sir.

BILLY: How much did you get? [Both laugh]

SMYTHE: He'll rue the day he ever came to see you, sir.

BILLY: See?! See what?! Huh? Was he blind?!

SMYTHE: No, Captain, I meant to say.

PARROT: [in corner] He don't see nothing, you fat old cyclops!

BILLY: Who said that?

SMYTHE: That wasn't me. That was your parrot.

BILLY: Parrot? I don't have a parrot! Why, I hate the creatures! Horrible, small, flying things, hopping around, breeding and eating carrots!

[Starts chasing Smythe around the room, dragging the parrot for the ride. The room starts to shake violently.]

HELEN: Oh, dear, I am sorry. I don't know how I managed to spill tea on it from this distance.

NEIL: Yeah! It was weird. You just seemed to, like, pick up the cup and violently throw it at the radio.

HELEN: I am sorry. I really must apologize.

MIKE: Oh, don't worry. Neil does it all the time.

HELEN: Throws cups?

MIKE: No, he apologizes.

NEIL: Hang on, hang on. I think I've fixed it.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: [sounding very stern and serious] Good afternoon. This is the objective and strictly impartial BBC World Service, operating on behalf of the Conservative Party. And now a news flash...

NEIL: Ooooh! [A cup hits him in the head and knocks him out again]

HELEN: Oh, dear! How clumsy of me. It seems like I've done it again. What can I say?

MIKE: How about, "Oh Mike, please put your hand up my skirt".

[Upstairs, Vyvyan is giving Rick a nipple twister. Rick is lying on the bed, and Vyvyan jumps on top of him.]

TIME - Part Two