The Young Ones:SUMMER HOLIDAY 2
[NOTE: Please send corrections to Steve Rapport. Thanks.]
MIKE: Oh, look on the bright side, guys. At least the holiday can't get
any worse.
VYVYAN, MIKE, NEIL, RICK: [together] Oh, no.
JERZEI: Hey, guys, some sod broke your window. That's 18 pounds you owe me.
RICK: Go away, Balowski. This is a private party.
JERZEI: [dancing, sings] Ba Ba Ba, Ba Barbara Ann. Ba Ba Ba, Ba Barbara
Ann. [steps on a wooden chair, smashing it] Oh, some sod broke your chair.
That's what happens when you have parties. That's another 27 pounds you owe
me.
MIKE: Jerzei, don't you think you could come back later?
RICK: Mr. Balowski, you're the worst landlord we've ever had!
JERZEI: You think I'm the worst landlord you've ever had? You should see me! [The print-over reads "Well you should have bought a copy, shouldn't
you then - cheapskate"] Ha, I'm so funny!
JERZEI: [opens a ledger book] OK, now we find out all the beatiful items
that Jerzei has given you, the Western consumer items, and let's see what
you've done with them. Number One, a beautiful television set.
VYVYAN: Uh, smashed.
JERZEI: [writing] That's 97 pounds you owe me. Number Two....
RICK: [giggling] He said #2's.....
JERZEI: Number Two, one beautiful Afghan rug that I bought at Top Shop.
NEIL: It's all right.
VYVYAN: Yeah, it's got a few bloodstains on it.
JERZEI: [picking an elephant head up off the rug] Is this house a
wildlife park? Do we say, "I've seen the elephants at Jerzei's house?"
No, we don't. OK, I'll charge you 2000 pounds for parking that there.
And finally, Number Three, one beatiful Huntian-Palmer style fridge.
JERZEI: The bad new is, you owe me 1400 pounds in back rent, damages,
and hire for all your fancy swimwear over the past 17 years. And as of
now, you are all evicted.
RICK: Oh, bloody heck!
RICK: God, I can't live like this.
NEIL: What are you complaining about, Rick? You always said you wanted to
live on the road.
RICK: Thatcher's Britain. Thatcher's bloody Britain! Look at me. I'm
young, I'm pretty. I've got 5 O Levels. Bloomin' good grades as well,
considering I didn't do a sod of work cause I'm so hard. And look at me
now! Homeless, cold, and prostitute.
MIKE: Destitute, Rick.
RICK: Oh, glory be and save us, Mike, do we have to mince our words?
Anyway, I can sell my body for a few good times if I want. What the hell?
Who cares? I'm gorgeous! I am sex! Women want me and they're prepared
to pay! So don't give me your phony morality! It's dog-eat-cat in this
world, and you won't find me in a pedigree shop.
NEIL: You can't be a destitute, Rick.
RICK: Any why not? Prudy square.
NEIL: Well, who would want to go to bed with you?
VYVYAN: (points to the horizon) Look, dawn's coming up.
VYVYAN, MIKE, NEIL: [waving, together] Hi, Dawn.
MORNING: [the sun speaks] Hello, boys.
RICK: Hi, Dawn.
NEIL: We got slung out of our house by a complete bastard.
DAWN: Oh, never mind. The results of our finals are through this
morning, so that should cheer you up. I just went down to the Post Office
to get mine especially early, because I'm such a girlie swat. I don't
know why, but I knew I was going to do brilliantly, and I did.
DAWN: Oh, all right.
RICK: [stunned] What?
DAWN: All right. How much have you got?
RICK: No, no, I meant you pay me.
DAWN: You must be joking! [knees Rick in the crotch, runs off]
VYVYAN: [obviously reciting verbatim] Look, here comes the postman.
MIKE: Vyvyan, why do you keep telling us what's just about to happen next?
VYVYAN: Because it's a studio set, Michael, and they can't afford any long shots.
RICK: [still holding his crotch, doubled over] Bloody hell! Give them a
uniform and they think they're Hitler.
POSTMAN: I brought you your exam results. I took the liberty of opening them, I didn't think you'd mind.
RICK: Exam results! Great! Sorry guys, this is my ticket out of the gutter. There's big bucks out there for the right face with a degree in domestic science. That's one thing I'll say for Thatcher, she definitely has put this country back on its feet.
POSTMAN: You have come bottom in the whole world.
VYVYAN: Great!
NEIL: [pause] Who came top out of us?
POSTMAN: You did, Ne il. Then Mike, then Vyvyan, then Rick. [turns to Rick, in his face] Ha!
NEIL: [gloating] I came top out of us.
VYVYAN: Oh, who cares about exam results? Who cares about life? Who cares about me? Not me, that's for sure! [punches himself in the head] I just don't care. [staggers to the ground]
MIKE: [standing in the glow of the street corner] I care. [The rest of the set fades to dark] I'm used to high and easy living. I know all about dirt. When I was a kid I had to eat it. And I'm never going back, you hear me?
RICK: What?
MIKE: I'm never going back! Yeah. And I swear now that whatever I do, I'll never be poor or hungry again! [Raises his fist in defiance] OK, guys, I've got a plan. [comes back over to the other 3 as the lights come up] Now listen very carefully. [They huddle as Mike whispers] You got that?
NEIL: Yeah, we just go [imitates Mike's whisper] psshh-psshh-psshh...brilliant.
RICK: C'mon, let's do it! White Riot. Stand Down Margaret. I'm a child of recession, I've got hate in my eyes. Ask for me tomorrow and I'll be gone cause I've got a one-way ticket to oblivion and I'm going to raise hell getting there!
MIKE: Yeah!
RICK: Yeah!
MIKE: Now let's get in there and do it.
RICK: Yeah!
MIKE: Yeah!
RICK: You mean now?
VYVYAN: [comes in with a stockade around his neck] I've got the stocks, Michael.
MIKE: What?
VYVYAN: You said we had to have stocks on our heads.
MIKE: Stockings, Vyvyan! Like tights.
RICK: Uhhhh, I'm not putting my head where some horrid girlie's bottom has been.
VYVYAN: I will!
MIKE: No, it doesn't matter anyhow. We don't need a disguise. This is a one-off job. All right, take these. [dispenses pistols to the others]
Now don't ask any questions, let's just say I didn't get them at Tesco's, OK?
NEIL: [grimacing, threatening an imaginary opponent] I didn't get them at Tesco's, OK?
MIKE: C'mon, Neil. Now, for God's sake, don't go losing your head and using them, that's all.
VYVYAN: Why not, Mike?
RICK: Yeah, c'mon. Robin Hood! Baader Meinhoff! Those bank clerks didn't have to become bank clerks! They knew the risk when they took the job! Let's go in and let them have it!
MIKE: We can't do that, Rick! If we do that, there's a slight chance that they'll discover these are water pistols.
VYVYAN: [shooting water into the air] Oh, brilliant, Mike!
MIKE: All right, has everybody got their alibis?
NEIL: Yes.
MIKE: Vyvyan?
VYVYAN: [pause] It was Rick.
MIKE: Neil?
NEIL: It was Rick.
MIKE: Rick.
RICK: [pause] It was me!
NEIL: What's your alibi, Mike?
MIKE: I don't need one, Neil. I'm the guy who phones the police. OK, Vyv, stay out here with the engine running. The getaway car is the most important element in any robbery.
VYVYAN: Message received and understood! [runs off]
NEIL: Yeah, and it will be really bad, cause if we join one queue, then one of the others is bound to start moving really quickly. And if we join the one that was moving really quickly, then the one we were in the first place will start moving really quickly. And anyway, whichever queue we're in, the guy in front of us is bound to be from the penny arcade across the road, cashing up the whole year with millions of pennies.
TELLER: Good morning, sir.
EMPLOYEE: [pushes Teller aside] what you need is a steady job, a lot of cash, and a reference from your bank manager. [Punk leaves]
NEIL: [waiting in line, to the man in front of him] Hello. Do you work here?
MAN: No, I'm from the penny arcade across the road.
ROBBER: Shut up and keep putting the money in the sack.
MANAGER: Of course, yes.
TELLER: Good morning, sir.
RICK: Hello, I.....[puts on his sunglasses and points his gun]
TELLER: Good morning, sir.
RICK: Yes.....
TELLER: Good morning, sir.
EMPLOYEE: Shut up! [pushes Teller aside again] Excuse me, if you'll forgive me, but this is our Good Morning window, where customers may experience the nice face of the bank. For financial transactions, please try any of the other windows.
RICK: Look, I'm not bloomin' well queuing up again! All I want to do....
RICK: Bloody pigs! They might have let me finish my sentence.
NEIL: Mike, the bank's being robbed. Quick, get down on the floor or you'll get hurt!
MIKE: Neil, we're doing the robbery!
NEIL: Oh! Oh, yeah. [stands]
MIKE: All right, we got no choice. We'll carry on with the robbery. If the police won't let us out, we'll shoot a hostage.
RICK: Yeah. Let's shoot Neil!
NEIL: What? [pause] Oh, yeah. OK, if you think it will help. I don't mind. I mean, after all they're only water pistols.
EMPLOYEE: [stands] Water pistols?!
TELLER: [stands] Good morning, sir.
RICK: Neil, you've just ruined everything. I never got a chance to shout "Hands Up!" [He thrusts his gun sideways, right in the middle of the Real Robber's back. The Real Robber puts his hands in the air.]
Give me the money.
MIKE: C'mon, Vyv, there's no time for that now.
VYVYAN: My car! My beautiful, beautiful car!
NEIL: [to Rick] Yellow chicken.
MIKE: [to Vyvyan, who is still crying] You've got to forget about your car, Vyvyan. Start life again without it. After all, you've still got SPG.
VYVYAN: I don't think so, Michael. He was asleep on the radiator.
MIKE: We've got our whole life ahead of us. Just that we'll be spending it all in prison.
VYVYAN: [stops crying, stares ahead] Oh, yeah?!
MIKE: Oh, yeah.
NEIL: [seeing what Vyvyan sees] Oh, no!
[Later on, Vyvyan is driving the bus down the highway, Rick, Mike, and Neil are in back. Neil is playing guitar, and the boys are singing Cliff Richard's "Summer Holiday."]
NEIL: [reading a roadsign] Basingstoke, 35 miles!
MIKE: Yeah, this is what I call riding around in a double-decker bus.
RICK: Right on. I'm aboard the Freedom Bus, heading for Good Time City. And I haven't even paid my fare.
VYVYAN: Look, what we really need is to pick up some great-looking girls whose car has broken down, and they can do all the cooking and cleaning.
RICK: Yes, girls like Una Stubbs.
NEIL: Una Stubbs! Yeah, and after we can all play Charades.
VYVYAN: Hah! More like nudie prod games.
RICK: What's the difference? There'll be plenty of chicks for these tigers on the road to the Promised Land. This is it! It's really happening! Who needs qualifications? Who cares about Thatcher and unemployment?! We can do just exactly whatever we want to do! And you know why? Because we're Young Ones. Bachelor boys! Crazy, mad, wild-eyed, big-bottomed anarchists!! [Rick gazes ahead in horror]
Look out!! CLIFF!!!
[The doorbell, rings, and Jerzei Balowski walks through their front window.
A printover on the screen says "Put Your 3D Glasses On Now".]
JERZEI: Greetings, boys![The printover reads "They're Free In This Week's Radio Times".]
VYVYAN: Like next year?[A big green monster springs out of the floor towards the camera. The printover says "Brilliant eh?"]
NEIL: [wearing 3D glasses] Wow, that was amazing![The refrigerator explodes, the blast knocking Neil's hair off, his real
hair in a net underneath.]
NEIL: Oh, no. I never knew I wore a wig. Ewwwhh. [picks his wig off
of Jerzei's shoulder, puts it back on][Scene cuts to a man in a fancy coAt, sunglasses, sitting at a large,
etheral desk. Flanking him are two angels.]
GOD: Let me introduce myself. I'm God. You really didn't expect me to
be a woman, now, did you?[Jerzei is filming an advertisement in front of the house. A sign next
to him reads "For Sale. Ackland and Bream Ltd. 18 Purland Walk,
Carshalton, 669 9032".]
JERZEI: Welcome to you Jerzei Homes showcase. Yes, and what a great
house it is. And we don't need to use some old actor flying upside-down
in a helicopter to sell you a Jerzei home. Cause Jerzei homes are great.
They're crazy, you know. You get furniture with the emphasis on comedy.
It's zany, it's crazy, it's wild. It's the wackiest house on television.
Why, if it isn't so, may God strike me dead![God points his right index finger, releasing a lightning bolt. The bolt
strikes Jerzei, disintegrating him. God releases more lightning from his
left hand, igniting a fire in a trash can. Next to the can is John Otway,
singing "Body Talk". The four boys, and Vyvyan's hamster Special Patrol
Group (SPG) are trying to sleep with the other homeless, lying in an
alleyway under piles of newspapers.]
VYVYAN: I'll bloody well make his body talk in a minute.[A pretty girl jogs around the corner, wearing a sweatsuit and headband.]
DAWN: Hi, boys! [stops, but still does calistenics while talking] Haven't seen you since the end-of-term. What are you doing in the gutter?[Jogs toward Rick]
RICK: [excited, matches Dawn's exercises] Dawn, Dawn, as long as you're
feeling pretty good about everything, I was wondering if you fancied
celebrating by letting me show you a really Good Time! [thrusts his hips
to match the last 2 words] Obviously for lots of money, you know.[A black postman (Lenny Henry) in a medal-decorated uniform comes to them.]
POSTMAN: Guten Morgen, meine kleine Freundliche.[The scene cuts to the front of the Fascist Pig Bank. Mike, Rick, and Neil are standing in front of the bank.]
NEIL: Mike, Mike, don't you think robbing a bank is, well, it's tantamount to stealing, really?[Inside the bank are several long lines. The boys burst in, guns drawn, but no one notices them.]
RICK: All right! This is it! Dog Day Afternoon. [pause] Typical. This place is completely packed. Why don't they put more staff on?[In front, another man is holding a rifle at a bank employee.]
EMPLOYEE: All right, Mr. Real Robber, the manager will see you now.[turns and leaves, the robber following him with a large empty sack]
[Back to the boys]
MIKE: The solution is simple. All we do is join separate queues. The one who gets to the front first starts the robbery.[A punk in a red mohwawk is in front, talking to a woman teller.]
PUNK: I'd like to open a bank account, please.[The bank manager, at rifle point by the Real Robber, is placing bundles of cash into a large sack that says "Euston Film Property Dept."]
MANAGER: I must tell you that I've pushed the alarm button and the police will be here at any moment.[Rick is philosophizing to anyone who will listen while queueing.]
RICK: Well, of course there's long queues, the banks are only open for about 5 minutes a day. So they only people who can get into them are unemployed people, and what are they doing going to banks when they're not supposed to have any money, that's what I'd like to know. [reaches the front of the Teller's queue][A bull-horned voice comes from outside the bank]
VOICE: Everyone inside the bank, this is the police. Please be calm. A robbery is taking place. Lie down on the floor and await further instructions. [Rick and Mike remain standing while everyone else goes down on the ground, including Neil] We have the place surrounded.[slams his hand over his mouth as the mistake becomes clear]
MIKE: Shhhh! Neil, I told you that was our little secret![Rick turns to see the Real Robber. He grabs the sack of cash.]
MIKE: Quick! [Rick tosses the bag to Mike and the 3 run out of the bank. Vyvyan is waiting in his car. They pile in, Mike and Neil in the back, Rick in the front.]
RICK: We did it!! WE DID IT!!![Vyvyan pulls his car out, driving it directly into a lamp-post]
VYVYAN: [hysterical] Oh, what have I done?! [cries][A police siren sounds]
RICK: Oh, no, it's the pigs! This is it, guys! I'll see you later! [exits the car][The camera focuses in on SPG, crushed between the pole and the grill of the car. His body floats to the sky, wearing angles' wings and a halo. Bagpipe music starts up.]
SPG: Later, you little wimp.[The three boys get out of the car as a double-decker bus pulls up. Rick motions excitedly that he is the driver and that they should get in. The bus pulls away.]
RICK: Yes! Yes! It's really happening![The bus plows through a Cliff Richard billboard and over an enormous man-made cliff, crashing down hundreds of feet.]
VYVYAN, MIKE, RICK, NEIL: [together] Whew! That was close![The bus explodes]