The Young Ones:SICK 2
[NOTE: Please send corrections to Steve Rapport. Thanks.]
MIKE: [walking to Neil's parents] Hello.
NEIL: This is Mike. He's studying, uh....er...
MIKE: Well, I'm in what you'd call the School of Life, Mrs. Pye.
NEIL: Yeah, er, that's Vyvyan, Mummy. He's going to be a doctor.
VYVYAN: [runs over] How do you do? [puts his face in hers]
NEIL'S MUM: How fascinating. I think I'm going to be sick. [turns away]
NEIL'S DAD: And is this fellow another one of your colleagues?
NEIL: No, that's the most violent and highly dangerous....
DAMAGE: [laughs] That's Neil's little joke, sir. Brian, Brian Damage. Currently working on my PhD in astrophysics, actually. But recently I did work on a degree in art history. But it was no use for a job.
NEIL'S DAD: What kind of job had you in mind?
DAMAGE: Maybe some kind of a bank job, you know.
NEIL'S DAD: Nice safe job?
DAMAGE: Yeah, possibly, possibly.
NEIL'S MUM: Did you make your bed?
NEIL: No, no, I bought it.
NEIL'S MUM: Exactly. [Wipes Neil's face with a hanky]
NEIL'S DAD: Now, your mother and I are very disappointed by all this, Neil.
NEIL'S MUM: You have brought shame on your family, Neil. I daren't show my face at Lady Fanshaw's bridge evenings, now that you've taken up with these television people. I mean, what kind of monsters are you?! I mean, The Young Ones. Well, it all sounds very good, doesn't it? But just look around you. There's trash!
MIKE: I think you'll find that was specially designed to fall apart like that, Mrs. Pye. Rick was going to get hit over the head with it in the next scene.
NEIL: [embarassed] I thought you'd be, you know, glad I was doing something worthwhile.
NEIL'S DAD: Worthwhile?! I mean, it's a bloody outrage! It's a waste of a licensing fee. Pardon my French, but why can't you be in one of those decent situation comedies that your mother likes? What's the thing called?
VYVYAN: Grange Hill!
NEIL'S DAD: That's the one!
SCHOOLBOY #2: Great! We can use the banners left over from the last protest we organized, so that racism wouldn't be an issue in this school.
SCHOOLBOY #1: Good! Then that's what we'll do. I'll get Mucker, Trucker, Ducker, and Sucker. You get Spaz!
SCHOOLBOY #2: But I am Spaz!
SCHOOLBOY #1: Oh. Well, I'd better get Spaz as well then. But we've got to hurry. [They start running, but bump into a stern-looking man in a 3-piece suit]
SCHOOLBOY #2: Sorry, Mr. Liberal. We were in a hurry.
MR. LIBERAL: Hang on, you pair of young scruffy tearaways. Don't you realize the way you act is influencing millions of children to talk Cockney and be insubordinate?!
SCHOOLBOY #1: Come on, sir. Don't be silly! We're the only kidds in Britain who never say fu....
NEIL'S DAD: I'm sorry, my dear. It was my mistake. I meant The Good Life.
NEIL'S MUM: Oh, yes. That's the one.
RICK: Well, you can just shut up, Vyvyan. You can just about bloomin' well shut up! Cause if you've got anything horrid to say about Felicity Kendall, you can just about bloomin' well say it to me first!! All right?!
VYVYAN: Rick, I just did.
RICK: Oh! Oh!! You did, did you?! Well, I've got a good mind to give you a ruddy good punch on the bottom for what you just said! You're talking about the woman I love!
NEIL: Yeah, and me! I love her too.
NEIL'S DAD: yes, well, I agree with the spotty twerps on that one. Felicity Kendall is sweetly pretty, and just what a real girlie should be. Why, speaking as a feminist myself, I can safely say this: that Felicity Kendall is a wonderful woman, and I want to protect her.
VYVYAN: [sarcastic] Well, it's the first time I've ever heard it called that!
NEIL'S MUM: Neil! Say something!
NEIL: [quietly, knowing what Vyvyan can do to him] Shut up, Vyvyan, that's my dad you're talking to.
VYVYAN: Did you see that episode where the pig was going to have a baby? Now, that was quite a promising idea. But it was all done so bloody nicely! We didn't see anything! Even the policeman was nice.
VYVYAN: Oh, do you mean like 'Big Jobbies'?
POLICEMAN: All right, now you've really asked for it!
MIKE: No. It was that silly cow. [points to Neil's Mom] She smashed the special balsa wood chair earlier on.
NEIL'S MUM: Well, none of this would have happened if you'd been doing a nice program like The Good Life.
VYVYAN: Okey-dokey, Mikey. We've got some of that!
VYVYAN: Ah-hah! Just wait one moment, Michael.
VYVYAN: Well, you might've laughed, Michael. It took me ages to raid the pet shop and nail 'em all to a plank.
RICK: [walking out from the house] A-ha! The timeless wonder of the English countryside.
Good grief, Christine, it'd be pretty bloody super to have a snog in a place like this! What do you think, Neil?
NEIL: I don't feel like it, actually, Rick. I've got a lot of work to do!
RICK: Not with you, you sick pervy. I meant with a pretty bloody super girlie who's on for an amazing bit of rumpo. and how's your father...
NEIL: [picks up a large bag of seed packets] OK, I've plowed this bit, right. And now I'm going to sow it. [throws packets of seed down] This self-sufficiency thing really is amazing. We sow the seed, right. Nature grows the seed, and then, we eat the seed. And then, after that, we sow the seed, nature grows the seed, and then, we eat the seed. And then, after that again, we sow the seed, nature grows the seed....
RICK: Oh, shut up, Neil! Shut up! Shut up. It's pathetic. I mean, what about radical magazines? What about Kicker boots?! Can we grow them? No, we can't, can we?! They beauty of your plan, Neil, seems to rest on everyone being really into seeds.
NEIL: No no no, Rick. You don't understand the timeless wonder of the whole thing. We. Sow the seed! Nature grows the seed. We eat the seed. And then....
Burn! Burn! Oh, trust Neil to be all soggy! Burn!
MAN #2: Hello.
RICK: Hello!
MAN #1: My name's Mick. This is Tess.
TESS: All right, are ya?
RICK: Tess?
MICK: We would've brought Harry, but we don't know anyone called Harry.
RICK: Um, excuse me. [laughs nervously] You're not policemen, are you?
TESS: No, we're not policemen.
RICK: Muck?
MICK: Look, you know, manure.
RICK: Yes?
MICK: We've been told to drop a load in your garden.
RICK: Well, listen, absolutely nobody, I don't care who they are, is doing a two-ton pooh outside of my front door.
TESS: Just thought you might need it to cover up that dead hippie you just murdered, that's all.
RICK: Yes! Yes, bury him! Bury him. But it's not a hippie. It's just a garden gnome, that I accidentally cracked.
VYVYAN: Brilliant. We are now completely self-sufficient in fertilizer. Speaking of which, where's Neil?
MIKE: Yeah! Where is he? I specifically told him that if we don't sow the seed, nature can't grow the seed, and we can't eat the seed. Eh?
RICK: Ah, er, he's [pause] emigrated. [filled with remorse] And he said to say that you'll never see him again.
VYVYAN: Well, he's left one of his shoes behind.
MIKE: Bloody idiot.
RICK: [laughs] Yes, I noticed he was hopping when he left.
MIKE: Hang on a minute. Did you say..? [the sky turns dark]
RICK: Oh, no. Night time.
MIKE: Good grief. Oh, well. Boing. [jumps up, motions to the others]
RICK & VYVYAN: [together, jumping] Boing!
MIKE: Time for bed, everyone.
NEIL #2: Hello?
NEIL: Anybody watching that must've thought it was a negative reality inversion.
MAN: Yes, it did, a bit.
NEIL #2: Hello?
NEIL #3: Hello.
NEIL: Oh, wow. [notices the grow-anything fertilizer] Rick planted me. I was the seed. Rick sowed me. Nature grew me. Yeah!
RICK: Shut up. Shut up!
CONSCIENCE: Don't tell me to shut up, you spotty little bastard. I'm your conscience. You killed Neil, didn't you?
RICK: No! No! It wasn't me. It was, uh, Vyvyan and Mike, and I'm going to tell on them as well!
CONSCIENCE: They didn't bloody well do it. It was you!
RICK: Oh, God! Whose side are you on?
CONSCIENCE: Not bloody yours, matey!
RICK: Then get out of my head, poo-hole!
CONSCIENCE: Try and make me, farty breath!
VYVYAN: Rick, will you tell your conscience to keep its voice down?! I'm trying to get some sleep!
RICK: But I'm the People's Poet! The spokesperson of a generation! Kids everywhere look to me for inspiration!
RICK: I am! I am.
NEIL #2: [sticks his head through the living room window] Hello, Rick.
NEIL: [walking through the front door, puts his hand on Rick's shoulder] Hello, Rick.
[He pinches her bum and she screams]
NEIL'S MUM: Oh, dear me. What a ghastly smell.[smashes a chair to splinters]
I mean, even, even Triangle has better furniture than you do![Two schoolboys in school uniforms come running wildly through the halls of their school]
SCHOOLBOY #1: So that's settled then! We organize a protest against school uniforms![Back to the house]
NEIL'S MUM: You must be talking nonsense! I don't watch that ghastly program![The cartoon and theme music for The Good Life appear, but Vyvyan tears it down.]
VYVYAN: NO!! No! We're not watching the bloody Good Life!! Bloody bloody bloody!! I hate it!! It's so bloody nice! Felicity 'Treacle' Kendall and Richard 'Sugar-Flavored-Snot' Briars!! What do they do now?! Chocolate bloody Button ads, that's what!! They're just a couple of reactionary stereotypes, confirming the myth that everyone in Britain is a lovable, middle-class eccentric - and I - HATE - THEM!![collapses on the couch, exhuasted]
MIKE: That was a highly articulate outburst, Vyvyan. I only hope they're not watching.[A policeman comes in (different than the earlier one), smashing a lamp with his nightstick]
POLICEMAN: All right! Why shouldn't the police be portrayed as nice occasionally?! [threatens Neil's Dad with his stick]
You trendy students are always giving us a bad name![Picks up a chair, smashes Rick over the head. But it doesn't collapse like it should and he is knocked out.]
Now, let me assure you that I would not have done that to you if you had been Felicity Kendall. [pause] God, are you all right?[The Good Life music leads into the next scene. The boys are in the back yard, planting a garden.]
MIKE: And that's where we'll put a row of cabbages.[takes out a board with cabbages stuck to it, sets it down]
MIKE: And that's where we'll put the row of caulies.[takes out a board with small dogs attached, sings dramatically, laughs]
MIKE: Very funny, Vyvyan.[goes to Neil, who is hoeing]
[Rick clobbers Neil with a shovel. Neil collapses, unmoving.]
RICK: All right. Now, shut up. [pause] Come on, get up Neil, there's a lot of work to be done. Neil? Neil?! [bends over, feels the body] Oh, God! Oh, God, I've killed a hippie! I've killed a hippie, and now I'll have to pay. Oh, God. Vyvyan's bound to tell on me, and I'll get sent to prison and raped in the shower by Mr. Big who's in with the warders. Oh! Burn the corpse! Burn the corpse. [tries to light Neil, but he won't catch fire]
[Two men come up and watch Rick, who quickly stands]
MAN #1: Hello.[They leave, but return a second later]
MICK: Oh, yeah! I'm sorry. Look, we've come about the muck.[A garden gnome is standing aside, watching]
GNOME: What a load of old crap! It's not a gnome! It's a hippie he's just killed. He's just killed a hippie, everybody!![Rick kicks it and it shatters][Good Life music again]
[Some time later, Rick is packing down the manure around Neil's body, not doing a very good job, since one of Neil's legs is sticking out. Mike and Vyvyan come out, carrying a row of cans on a board.]
MIKE: So, this is the row of mixed veg. Oh, nicely nicely, we progress. The grow-anything fertilizer has arrived. [Sets the board down][takes Neil's shoe off, exposing his bare foot]
He's left one of his feet behind as well![Mike leads them inside, to the sound of The Good Life music]
[Later on, Neil sits up out of the manure pile]
NEIL: Lucky Rick only stunned me, eh?[On his right, another Neil sits up]
Oh, wow![checks to make sure he's OK]
Hello?[A man and woman are making out in the shadows]
WOMAN: Cor, that looked just like a negative reality inversion, didn't it?[They turn their attention back to each other]
NEIL: I was right! [another Neil sits up] Hello?[Rick is lying in bed, tossing and turning, clutching a handkerchief. His conscience calls to him.]
CONSCIENCE: Rick. Rick! This is the voice of your conscience speaking.[Rick is dreaming of a court scene. Vyvyan and Mike are wearing powdered wigs. Vyvyan is the prosecuting attorney, Mike the judge, with Rick off as the accused on one side.]
VYVYAN: Oh, come on, Judge Mike! He's obviously a complete bastard. Let's hang him![A group of girls is watching the proceedings from the balcony]
GIRL: Oh, People's Poet. Don't die! We'll kill ourselves if you do!But first, we're going to take off all our clothes! [The girls scream and start to strip]
CONSCIENCE: Stop having a wet dream, you little pervy! [wakes Rick up] You're supposed to be racked with remorse![Gets up, goes downstairs. Kicks a stuffed panda bear sitting in the corner of the stairway.]
Oh, Neil! Neil! Orange peel! If only I could see you again.[Rick screams]
NEIL #3: [sticks his head through the kitchen window] Hello, Rick.[Rick screams louder][Rick goes nuts]
RICK: Help! Michael! Vyvyan! Neil's come back from the grave as zombies![Mike and Vyvyan run downstairs. The Young Ones set opens up to reveal a well-decorated show stage. Standing on a platform are Neil's parents and Damage. They are blowing kisses to the audience and waving.]
ANNOUNCER: Good evening, and welcome to Nice Time, with Neil's parents and Brian Damage!