OIL - Part Two

[OPENING SCENE: The four boys are walking up to a two-level house, very similar to their old one, the house that was demolished. Neil is carrying a suitcase and a guitar, Vyvyan has a duffel bag and skeleton, Rick has several bags, and Mike has hi s suitcase.]

NEIL: Well, I think it's very beautiful, Rick.

MIKE: Oh, it just means a change from the old one.

VYVYAN: Yeah, just some new leaves on the ground.

RICK: Well, I think it looks like a giant lavatory.

NEIL: Come on, it's not bad. [Opens the gate, climbs the stairs to the front door] Look, it's got a letter box. That's going to be really useful.

RICK: For what?

NEIL: For looking at them when people knock.

VYVYAN: We had a front door at the last house.

RICK: Yes, Vyvyan, but it was nailed to the ceiling in the living room!

MIKE: Rick, it had to be done.

VYVYAN: Yeah! I had to! I was drunk!

MIKE: Just give me the key. [Rick removes a key on a string around his neck, hands it to Mike] Watch this very closely. [Mike opens the door with the key] You see, I used to be a cat burglar.

NEIL: Oh, really?

MIKE: Yeah! I got a Swiss bank account with 2000 bloody cats in it! Come on.

[Leads them in]

[Next to the door is a large sunflower and a statue of "The Thinker"]

SUNFLOWER: Oh, shut up. And get some clothes on!

[Rick and Vyvyan run upstairs. Neil kicks a knee-high pile of envelopes in the front hall.]

MIKE: They did, but they were illiterate.

NEIL: But they were philosophy students.

MIKE: So?

NEIL: [pause] Oh.

MIKE: Anyway, they´re probably bills.

NEIL: [looking very confused, puts his finger to the lips and says] Who´s Bill???

[Rick is attempting to keep Vyvyan out of his room]

VYVYAN: Oh yeah?

RICK: Yes, I was here first!

VYVYAN: [pushes his way in] You got any witnesses?!

RICK: Look, I don't need witnesses! Just get off my property!

VYVYAN: No.

RICK: [pinches Vyvyan's arm, trying to hurt him] Get out!

[Vyvyan, not flinching from Rick's pinch, punches Rick and knocks him down. Rick throws a pipe at Vyvyan, but misses and it flies out the window.]

RICK: [throws Vyvyan's clothes out the window] No, they're not, Vyvyan. [Vyvyan strikes a match, sets fire to the bed] All right then, have the bedroom.

VYVYAN: I don't want it. It's not mine.

RICK: Yes, it is!

VYVYAN: No, it isn't.

RICK: You said it was yours just now!

VYVYAN: [pause] So did you!

RICK: No, I didn't!

VYVYAN: Did!

RICK: Didn't!

VYVYAN: Did!

RICK: Didn't!!

VYVYAN: DID!!

RICK: DIDN'T DIDN'T DIDN'T DIDN'T!!!

VYVYAN & RICK: [together, run out the door to the stairwell, calling] Neil, your bedroom's on fire!

NEIL: [comes out of a bedroom across the hall] But this is my bedroom.

[Looks in the argued-over room]

[Goes into the burning room, as Vyvyan enters the room Neil left.]

VYVYAN: It's mine!

[Mike opens the door to his room]

[The screen caption reads "MIKE GOES INTO HIS NEW BEDROOM"]

[Walks in, puts his suitcase on the bed. Opens the suitcase and takes out an inflatable female sex doll. Takes out some lingerie and scatters it around the room, hanging a bra on the doorknob. Takes out a tape player, and plays a tape of a femal e voice in the throes of passion.]

[Mike starts whistling "That'll Be the Day". He looks over the corner and sees Buddy Holly hanging upside down by a parachute, covered in spider webs.]

MIKE: [stares, amazed] You're Buddy Holly!!

BUDDY: That's right! You know something, I just love your English beetles. Mind you, after 20 years of the suckers, I ain't got much choice!

MIKE: I thought you were dead!

BUDDY: Lots of folks did, but it ain't harmed my career any. [laughs]

MIKE: No. [pause] You got any new material? [grabs tape recorder]

BUDDY: Well, it just so happens I've been writing a song up here. It's a song concerning my diet. It's called "Kinky Daddy Longlegs". You wanna hear it?

MIKE: Oh, yeah!

BUDDY: Right now?

MIKE: Well, there's no point in hanging around.

BUDDY: [starts playing guitar and singing]

Saturday night
Hanging round for a bite
Find a real cutie with the dust mite blues
Hangnail, high tail, fairy tale, very well
Finding anything that I can chew

MIKE: [punching numbers into a calculator] Records and tapes. Videos. Overseas sales. Cable TV. 60 percent McCartney, 40 percent me. It's got to be 25 million at least.

BUDDY: Coo coo daddy longlegs
Rough it up, rough it up, oh oh oh oh
Rain fly pie with a mosquito side salad
23 years on a meat-free diet
Beetles, crickets, gonna get you sick
It's here's a little sucker and you ought to try it
Coo coo, daddy longlegs
Hope it makes more money than "Peggy Sue"-ue
Ha ha ha ha ooooh

[Buddy's parachute lets loose and he crashes down, his head breaking through the floor. Mike sighs, puts down the calculator, goes over to Buddy]

[SCENE: Neil is putting a pot of water on the stove in the kitchen.]

[Waves his arms]< /UL>

[Opens cupboard, and a stack of pots and pans comes crashing down at his feet]

Great.

[Reaches up, removes a teapot]

[Starts rubbing it with his sleeve. Smoke comes out and a genie appears.]

[The genie points his finger, and the pots fly back up into the cupboard.]

VYVYAN: [walks in] Hi, Neil. [looks at the kitchen] Is this some sort of sick joke? Why isn't supper ready? You haven't done a bloody thing, have you, Neil?!

NEIL: Well, I'm sorry, Vyvyan, but considering none of you helped me unpack or do anything at all, and considering I'm not feeling very well today, actually, no, it's not ready! I don't have six pairs of hands, you know. I wish I had, but I have n't!

[In a puff of smoke, Neil has arms covering his torso.]

[The genie goes back in the pot.]

VYVYAN: [looking in the cupboard, not seeing Neil's transformation] Neil, where's that emergency set of spaghetti hoops we brought?

NEIL: [runs upstairs] Rick, Rick, you're going to freak, man!

VYVYAN: You haven't made the tea, Neil! Neil?! Brilliant. Brilliant. I suppose I even have to make my own bloody tea!

NEIL: [on stair landing] Rick, come and look. Rick? Come and take a look at this, Rick! You're going to freak!

[Vyvyan pours hot water in the teapot. The genie screams in pain, and Neil's arms disappear without him noticing.]

RICK: [sees the now-normal Neil] Dear oh dear, you'd do anything to try and impress me, wouldn't you, Neil? [Goes downstairs, leaving Neil to figure where his arms went] Vyvyan?! [Sees Vyvyan by the pot] There you are, Vy vyan. You think I could have a word with you?

VYVYAN: No.

RICK: Just a little piece of information, really. Why did you throw the toilet out the window?

VYVYAN: To lower the rent.

RICK: Oh, yes, of course. How stupid of me. Just one other thing. What are you talking about?

VYVYAN: Well, now we can go to the Rent Tribunal. You don't have to pay as much for a house with an outside lavie.

RICK: Really? Well, I don't believe you! I think you did it on purpose because you know I have a runny bottom!

VYVYAN: Look, is Neil going to make the supper or not?

RICK: Well, I think you'd better ask him that, haven't you? I'm a bit more interested in my bottom at the moment!

VYVYAN: [goes to the staircase] Neil, let's not beat around the bush. Are you going to make supper, or am I going to kick your teeth in?!

[Mike is carrying a large bag, with feet coming out of the top. Neil is following him downstairs]

MIKE: Nowhere.

NEIL: Is that a bag of dirty washing?

MIKE: No.

NEIL: I thought we were supposed to take everyone's washing when we go to the laundrette! What about the People's Charter we drew up? [Opens a small book] Right, laundry. [Reads aloud] None of the guys, right, no matter what, li ke, not even if they've been eaten by wild dogs...

VYVYAN: Hey, that's my clause!

NEIL: ...shall go to the laundrette without first collecting all the other guys dirty gear.

MIKE: Yeah? Clause 83.

NEIL: [reads on] Except for Mike. Oh. [closes book] Right. Sorry.

MIKE: That's all right. Anyway, I'm not going to the laundrette. I'm going to the cellar. I've got a stiff. Know what I mean? [starts off for the cellar]

RICK: [pause, uncomfortable with the double entendre] Oh, well, that's fair enough, I suppose.

[waits until Mike is gone] He gets worse by the minute!

VYVYAN: All right, Neil. I'm going to give you three seconds to make supper, starting now! [Neil runs into the kitchen, grabbing pots and cooking utensils] One! Two!

NEIL: What do you fancy, Vyv?

VYVYAN: Three! Where's my supper?! [looks in a pot]

NEIL: Well, it's not quite finished, actually.

[Vyvyan breaks a plate over Neil's head. Neil falls, sprawling on the floor.]

VYVYAN: And you've broken my favorite plate!

RICK: Well, I suppose we'll just have to cook our own supper.

[Lights a match to ignite the stove, only the stove explodes.]

[Two men with stubbly beards and rags for clothes are lying on a raft in the middle of the ocean. At the sound of the explosion, one jumps to a sitting position.]

MAN #2: What?

MAN #1: [pauses, laughs, lies down] Nothing. My mind's beginning to play tricks on me. I thought we were lying on a raft just now.

MAN #2: You should take it easy, you know. You must be working too hard.

[The ocean disappears, and the two men are lying on a mattress in a dingy room, lit by a single light bulb.]

MAN #1: It is.

MAN #2: I should get a lower wattage bulb.

MAN #1: [sits up quickly] Help! We're sinking! We're sinking!

MAN #2: Relax. We're not sinking, we're not sinking. I'll get some fresh air in here.

[Opens a door to show them floating on the ocean. He breathes deeply.]

MAN #1: What's the matter?

MAN #2: Nothing! Nothing. [pause] Can you swim at all?

MAN #1: What?

MAN #2: I was just wondering.

MAN #1: Wondering?

MAN #2: Yes, I was wondering if you might swim to the chemist and get me something for my hallucinations.

MAN #1: Have you had one too?!

MAN #2: Either that, or the whole town is flooded. [Sits down]

MAN #1: You're right. We've been working too hard. I haven't had a holiday for over a year now.

MAN #2: What about this?!

MAN #1: What? This?! A holiday?! Two weeks in a cellar under a light bulb?

MAN #2: It was all I could get.

MAN #1: All you could get?! Do me a favor.

MAN #2: What?

MAN #1: [begging] Check and see if that really was an hallucination out there!

[Man #2 opens the door, and Mike walks in with the bag.]

MIKE: You'll have to ask my parents. They wouldn't tell me. Would you mind looking after my Buddy?

[Hands Man #2 the bag, looks at the camera.]

[Rick, Neil, and Vyvyan are sitting in the living room. Rick and Neil have empty plates in front of them, while Vyvyan is still trying to eat.]

RICK: It's amazing what you can come up with with just flour and water.

VYVYAN: Yeah. Glue. [Holds his fork, the plate stuck to it. He drops the fork/plate.]

[All three boys stare at the telly, just a little white dot on the screen and a low pitched hum.]

NEIL: It's a little white dot.

RICK: Oh, very clever.

NEIL: It must be a really old telly.

RICK: What, hippie?

NEIL: Look, there's a sign in that little white dot. It means something really heavy. It means, there's no more telly. Time to go to bed. [stands] I'm going upstairs now to finish painting my astrological star chart, all right? [lea ves]

RICK: [pause, calls to Neil] Do you really think that anyone has ever been the slightest bit interested in anything you say or do ever, Neil?! [sighs] God, fascist. [stands] Are you going to bed, Vyvyan?

VYVYAN: No. I'm going to watch the dot for a bit longer.

RICK: Wish we had a video. Then I could tape it and watch it in the morning. Oh, well. Nighty night.

[leaves]

VYVYAN: Why?

TV ANNOUNCER: Because it'll blow up, you silly boy.

VYVYAN: Great! [watches anxiously for a minute] It's never going to blow up. [Grabs an axe] I think I'll play "Murder in the Dark". [Turns off the light, crashes into the kitchen table]

[Mike hits a golf ball in the upstairs hallway. It flies out the window and into the toilet, just between Neil's legs.]

NEIL: Oh, OK.

[Rick runs in, catches the thrown object. It lands with a disgusting "splat".]

MIKE: Vyvyan was typing out an essay. He used it as Tippex.

RICK: Bastard! [Goes back in the bathroom, returns] What're you doing standing outside my bedroom then, Mike?!

MIKE: There's only the floor to sit on, Rick.

RICK: Oh, ha ha, very funny. I suppose you think it's very clever to laugh with three million people on the dole!

MIKE: Yeah.

RICK: Well, could you just get out of the way, please? I want to get into my bedroom.

MIKE: Well, you're not exactly dressed for it.

RICK: What?

MIKE: Well, all right. All right. I won't stand on convention, he never stood on me. That'll be a fiver. For the room, not the game.

RICK: Five pounds to get in my own bedroom?! Hah! What have you done, turned it into a roller disco?

MIKE: Uncanny!

[Rick opens the door to find several people dancing around on roller skates as music blares and colored lights flash.]

[One of the dancers is a large black man. He pokes Rick in the chest.]

RICK: All right! This is it! Everybody listen to me!

End of part one...

OIL - Part Two