RICK: Hey! I've just had a revolutionary idea!

MIKE: What?

RICK: Let's raise a People's Army and seize control of the State!

[Suddenly, BOOM! A large explosion occurs just behind Rick, sending pieces of lumber and plaster everywhere. A bell was ringing at the same time.]

MIKE: Vyvyan!

RICK: Vyvyan!

VYVYAN: Vyvyan, Vyvyan, Vyvyan! Honestly! Whenever anything explodes in this house it's always blame Vyvyan!

MIKE: Well, who do you suggest we blame?

RICK: Thatcher!

VYVYAN: No. Blame whoever rang the front doorbell, 'cause they obviously triggered off the bomb I set up.

MIKE: What bomb?

VYVYAN: Well, I was worried that we wouldn't be able to hear the front door bell, so I thought I'd pep it up a bit!

RICK: Well I call it totally irresponsible! Fancy, coming 'round and ringing the doorbell at this time of night! Hey! I'll bet whoever it is will be pretty shocked when they find us still up!

[ENTERS: Postman, clothes torn and burned from the explosion]

RICK: What do you want?

POSTMAN: I have a parcel [pulls out a paper from his pocket] for a Mister J. Balowski, Special Delivery!

[he's really hamming it up, and playing to the audience and not to the other actors]

POSTMAN: Sign here!

[holds the paper briefly high above Mike's head; Mike reaches for it but before he can get it, the Postman folds it up and returns it to his pocket]

[The others are appalled at his overacting. Rick clears his ears. Postman leaves and returns with a parcel the size and shape of a man wearing a bowler hat, with arms extended. It is all wrapped up in brown wrapping paper and string. There are many stamps and markings on it, some which say "TRANSVAAL". The postman has no difficulty in carrying it high, then lowering it and planting it down centre stage, right in front of Rick. He makes wild exit gesturings and begins to leave. A few members of the audience begin clapping meekly. Postman hears his, and returns for more.]

[he says as if this showing of appreciation were unexpected, and not what he'd wanted all along. The enthusiasm picks up and soon the whole audience is cheering and throwing flowers to the old fart, who is really eating this up. The others stare on, amazed. Postman even gives some of the flowers to Mike and Rick, who angrily throw them back at him as he exits. Rick throws in some "up yours" gestures.]

RICK: A package from the Transvaal! How strange!

POSTMAN: [offstage, continuing to interrupt the show]: I always think that one should do comedy absolutely straight or else it just isn't funny.

RICK: [loudly, trying to upstage the distraction] A PACKAGE FROM THE TRANSVAAL! HOW STRANGE!! I wonder what it could be?

VYVYAN: It's probably a shipment of very hard drugs!

RICK: Why does it say fragile then?

VYVYAN: Ah! Er, that's probably Transvaalian for "very hard drugs".

POSTMAN: [still offstage]: When I was in Eastbourne once in the rep, Larry said to me, "Excuse me, do you have change for the phone?" "Darling," I said, "you don't need to change for the phone!"

[The others are standing around during all this, unsure what to do. Rick nervously taps his fingers on the parcel. VYV's had enough of all this, and marches to the still open door]

[CUT TO: offstage, a page is helping the actor who played Postman put on a red velvet smoking jacket]

VYVYAN: Now then, where was I?

MIKE: You were over there by the door!

VYVYAN: NO! Before that, Michael! Oh God, I've got to stop sniffing this Ajax!

NEIL: [enters from upstairs, wearing a pretty blue dress with white lace around the neck] Listen to me! Everybody in the house listen to me!

MIKE: Shut up Neil! We're talking about the video!

[Mike goes back to the drawing room]

NEIL: Everybody in house listen to me because I have actually got something to tell you all which I think you'll find really interesting!

VYVYAN: Neil, why are you wearing that dress?

NEIL: That's the thing I thing I've got to tell you all about.

MIKE: Well Neil, we don't want to know!

RICK: [worriedly] Yes, yes. Who wants to hear about a silly old dress??

VYVYAN: I do!

NEIL: I'm wearing this dress, right, because some really selfish negative-vibe merchant has boarded up my bedroom. So...

RICK: [claps once] Well, now that's sorted out, let's get back to the video, shall we?

[Vyv has taken a fascination to the fact the something wearing a dress is in the house, and starts giving Neil closer scrutiny. He starts touching the dress]

RICK: [very worried] Um... ha ha ha... [[Snort!]]... ah... [defensively] Oh! Oh! So you've taken to snooping around other people's bedrooms, have you Neil? Grubbing about and planting evidence of transvesticism, so as to topple me from my position as most popular member of the flat! Well it won't work!

[with hand on heart]

VYVYAN: [looking behind collar] Well it's got your name-tag in it Rick!

NEIL: Yeah!

RICK: Oh good, look, it's not mine! It's not mine! What would I want with a dress? It's not .... Look, I've got money, here take money

[puts something into Vyv's hand]

VYVYAN: Yeah, me too!

MIKE: Guys, guys, I hate to say anything negative, but no. If the police come 'round, they'll grab hold of our nasties!

NEIL: [protecting crotch with his hands] Oh!

MIKE: The videos!

NEIL: Oh! Have we got a video?

VYVYAN: If anyone else asks that question, I'm going to stick their head through the window!

NEIL: Vyv, have we got a video?

VYVYAN: Right! Come this way Neil!

[walks into the kitchen, rips an entire window, frame and all out of the wall, walks over to Neil (INSERT: several frames of a close up of an outdoor faucet, dripping water in a steady stream. Several large white vans are visible in the background, but are out of focus)]

[Neil complies by turning 90 degrees, and Vyv drops the window over his head]

VYVYAN: [exasperated] Oh God!NEIL: I'm finding everything really confusing today...

[ZOOM IN: to the still-life poster in the background of the kitchen: "Early Victorian Breakfast Photographs"]

[DISSOLVE TO: the identical scene in real life. An old sailing song played on Accordion can be heard. PAN: to reveal five shabby men on the deck of an old sailing ship, its captain and some crew. Prisoner #1 is a dirty, balding man, missing most of his teeth]

PRISONER #2: And all those murders you done.

CAPTAIN: [to a woman who was out of view] Aged and toothless and bent old crone!

CRONE: How'd you know me name?

CAPTAIN: We wish to engage you as ship's cook and concubine.

CRONE: Oh yeah? What's a concubine, then?

CAPTAIN: It's a small, spiky mammal.

CRONE: No... that's a hedgehog!

CAPTAIN: In that case we wish to engage you in ships cook and hedgehog.

[A bell is ringing]

PRISONER #2: Quite looking forward, really. Son and daughter went out 'bout six years ago.And I haven't even seen the baby. Must be nearly four by now.....

[PAN: back to still life, DISSOLVE: back to poster in kitchen, ZOOM out]

MIKE: Alright, alright, so long as you're very careful and you don't break it.

VYVYAN: Because at the moment, Neil, it's in absolute complete working order.

RICK: Yes, yes. So if you happen to press the button and it doesn't work, that means you've broken it and you've got to pay!

MIKE: £500!

NEIL: Anything, anything. [looks at a video tape box] Oh wow! Yeah! [Neil looks at the machine] Well it's not plugged in. [moves to the wall outlet] Oh no. This doesn't reach. Have we got an extension?

MIKE: In the kitchen.

NEIL: No, I mean lead, it doesn't reach.

VYVYAN: [exasperated] Oh God! [Gets up, goes outside, and pushes the entire wall of the house in so that the outlet is now close enough. Chunks of plaster fall. When this is done, Vyv steps through front window, smashing the glass]

RICK: Oh that's right Vyvyan, if the mountain won't come to Mohammed, smash the drawing room to pieces! That's very Buddhist, isn't it?!

[Vyv takes a cassette box Rick is holding and smacks Rick on the head with it]

[plugs it in. Instantly, a picture appears on the screen, as well as a huge blue lightning bolt which connects Neil with the outlet]

VYVYAN: That's brilliant Neil! It's working!

NEIL: Uh, Oh! Ow! Uh, uh.

MIKE: Stay just where you are Neil! That's fabulous!

NEIL: Uh, uh...

[CUT TO: the TV screen as the Video starts to play. There is text which reads:

THIS IS A OFICAL VIDIO
ITS NOT A BLOODY
PIRAT NO MATTER WHAT
ANYONE SAIS SO DONT
SAY ANYONE IT IS AND
NOTHING WILL OCUR

[DISSOLVE TO: Hell. Fire everywhere, which gives a dark reddish glow. Somewhere in the distance a woman screams. Through the fire a She-devil appears, making sure the hair around her horns is tidy. She is dressed in a nice pink suit, and she is holding a whip. In this dim cave, she is sitting at a desk, which holds three large overturned plastic cups, labelled "1", "2", and "3". A damned woman is cast down into the cave; she appears at the entrance, moaning. She falls to her knees before the She-Devil]

DAMNED: [holding ear] Oh!

SHE-DEVIL: Or red hot poker up the jacksie?

[Suddenly the evil lighting vanishes and is replaced by nice bright white studio lighting. The fire vanishes. The Damned woman rises showing off a small box. Both women are now smiling.]

SHE-DEVIL: What ... [lifts cup "1" to reveal a similar box] ... Painaway?

DAMNED: Yes, Painaway! In my busy life as a working mum, nursery school teacher, and anguished soul cast into the pit for all eternity, sometimes I get those headachy pains; that strange washed-out feeling that you just can't explain.

SHE-DEVIL: [whispering, confiding] She's talking about period pains!

DAMNED: So, the next time you get one of those pains, I recommend a hysterectomy! And it'll be gone in no time at all!

[They smile at each other, then into camera, as cute jingle music comes up,]

[CUT TO: still of the Painaway box with caption: FOR FAST QUICK, EFFECTIVE PROFITS, OWN A DRUG COMPANY]

[CUT TO: Neil getting electrocuted. He actually looks quite absurd now, still wearing Rick's dress, but now his long hair is standing straight up from the electricity. He can't hold on any longer and the video stops playing. He is shivering now, paralysed against the wall, waving pointed fingers]

MIKE: Neil!

VYVYAN: I was watching that you selfish bastard!

RICK: Oh stop grizzling, Neil! Honestly, I'm utterly sick of you and all you stand for!

NEIL: Oooo, ahhhh, a-a-loook!! [pointing behind them]

[The three on the couch, Rick, Vyv, and Mike all turn around to see that a man in a black tux, a cape, and a top hat is standing where their package had been. He is covered with wrapping paper and string as he has evidently broken out of it. He has fake fangs, which cause him great difficulty speaking]

ALL: Ahhhh!!!!!

MIKE: It's a Vampire!

VYVYAN: In a parcel!

RICK: In the kitchen!

NEIL: Hate mail! What are we going to do??

RICK: Only pop music can save us now!

[CUT TO: the group TheDamned have mysteriously appeared in the kitchen. The play for us the very appropriate "Nasty". In the opening bars, Rat Scabies (rhythm guitar), in a failed attempt to add some realism to their fake-playing to a recording, adjusts an effects pedal and does not strike a chord which we hear. The rest of the performance is quite good, with some spiffy video effects thrown in.]

[During the song, the vampire chases the boys upstairs, cornering them in the upper landing. They all cower behind Neil, who now looks quite afraid with his upraised hair.]

[All pointing]

[he rushes in and they lock the door from the outside]

[CUT TO: Vampire in the bathroom, whistling along with the song. He is shaving. We do not see his reflection in the mirror, just the shaving cream's]

[CUTS: of the band]

[CUT TO: outside the bathroom. For protection, Vyv is holding a cross, Neil is holding a plastic bottle of some toilet cleaner, and Rick is holding a cotton ball.]

NEIL: Yeah, take it easy Vamp! You're messing with the big boys now!

VAMPIRE: (nicely) No, this is some kind of misunderstanding! I'm not a vampire! I'm a driving instructor! From Johannesburg!

[BRIEF CUT BACK TO: the band wraps up the song.]

VAMPIRE: How?

VYVYAN: OK. What should you never do in a box junction?

VAMPIRE: In a box junction, you should never enter it unless your exit is clear!

VYVYAN: Ah, true. OK. What's the procedure for the approach of a humpback bridge?

VAMPIRE: Approaching a humpback bridge, you should slow down and check in both rear view mirrors. If nobody is behind you should RIP OUT THE VIRGIN'S THROAT AND ....

VYVYAN: Ah hah! Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha! Driving instructor my bottom! You're a vampire and there's no denying it!

VAMPIRE: Oh, Outspan.

RICK: Neil, what exactly does "messing with the big boys" entail?

NEIL: Uh, this.... [squirts him with the toilet cleaner]

MIKE: [ENTERS: running up stairs] Well, I've tried the Battersea Dogs' Home and they won't take him.

RICK: Hey! You should have tried... the Doggesea Bats' Home

MIKE: Aw, don't be flippant Rick!

RICK: [explaining the joke] You see, because he's a vampire....

MIKE: Don't be flippant!

RICK: ...No, I just want to explain...

MIKE: Don't be...Rick!... RICK!!

RICK: I just want... well alright... ALRIGHT!! FORGET IT! Forget it!

MIKE: [addressing camera] This is actually very serious!

[Neil and Rick close in from behind on either side of Mike's head with "serious" expressions... Vyv sails across in front with a finger holding his nostrils open for view]

VYVYAN: I know, why don't we bite him to death!

VAMPIRE: You can't bite me! I'm South African!

NEIL: I know, I know! Why don't we lock him in the toilet!

MIKE: We have locked him in the toilet!

NEIL: Oh... It was a good idea, wasn't it!?

RICK: Mike, Mike, what happens when one of us wants to "spend a penny"? He'll be able to see us won't he?

MIKE: I dunno, I'm thinking. [clap!] I've got it! Peter Cushing! We've got to drive a stake through his heart!

VYVYAN: Great! I'll get the car!

NEIL: [confused] ... I'll get a cushion.

[CUT TO: Downstairs, Neil runs to the fridge, Mike and Rick follow]

[Varoom! VYV crashes through the drawing room wall with his car]

[CUT TO: inside the bathroom, the Vampire is whining and scratching at the door]

[CUT TO: the actors who play Mike, Vyv, Rick, and Neil, relaxing between takes, playing cards. They are dressed as their roles, but Adrian and Nigel speak with normal voices. Rick and Christopher sound the same as their characters.]

NIGEL (NEIL): He drinks like a fish.

RIK (RICK): Yes; he's got no talent.

CHRISTOPHER (MIKE): Alexei who?

[CUT BACK TO: bathroom]

[grabs a small container]

[holds the spoon up to his nose, blocks the other nostril, as if he were going to snort it. Blows out instead, acting as if he were burned by the hot soup]

[CUT TO: downstairs]

VYVYAN: I don't see what all the fuss is about! Vampires only attack... virgins!

[They all look worried]

RICK: What, me? Rick? A virgin? Ha, ha, ha!!! Just try telling that to some of the foxy chicks who owe me favours!

NEIL: Well if Rick's not a virgin, then I'm not either!

VYVYAN: We'll soon be able to find out, won't we! 'Cause the vampire's gonna know! And if anybody gets attacked, then we'll know, that they're a sissy virgin! (God! I hope snogging with SPG counts!)

NEIL: [still holding the sausage] He's gonna get us! He's gonna turn us into vampires, and we'll all be dead, and yet still alive... like Leonard Cohen!

RICK: He's going to bite me first... I'm obviously the most succulent... Right! [runs to stairs] Mister Vampire! Mister Vampire! Don't bite me, I'm a hologram! Bite Neil! He's coffee flavoured!

VAMPIRE: Arrrrrggghhh!!!

MIKE: OK, guys! There's only one way out! We've all got to lose our virginity! Neil!

VYVYAN: But how Mike?.... Oh no!!! Bags not Rick!!

RICK: Bags not Vyv!!!

NEIL: Bags not ... Neil!

[ENTERS: Vampire from upstairs, to a thunderclap!]

VYVYAN: Quick! Out the window!

[Mike gets up and starts by pulling the curtain. We hear a threatening trumpet chord. Mike pulls the curtain, illuminating the kitchen with golden sunlight]

[Starts wildly writhing in agony, falls onto the couch]

[They all assist by folding up hidden parts of the couch. We can see that it really is a coffin]

[WAVY DISSOLVE: to sounds of ghouls wailing. Actors wiggle their bodies as before to enhance the wave effect. TO: graveyard. All are standing around listening to the story. Rick is nursing a bloody nose, probably from the earlier shovel hit]

VYVYAN: We never did get to watch the video.

GRAVEDIGGER#2: Have you got a video:

VYVYAN: YES, WE'VE GOT A VID-E-O!!!

GRAVEDIGGER#2: I only asked!

MIKE: Oh no! The video! If we don't get it back to Harry the Bastard by half past nine, we'll owe him 500 quid! What time is it??

ALL: Half past nine!

[Suddenly the coffin opens]

NEIL: Oh really? I thought you were Australian, like David Bowie!

VAMPIRE: No! In fact... [rips off toupee and cape]

ALL: Harry the Bastard!!

VAMPIRE: The very same! And you owe me 500 Quid!

ALL: [in perfect unison] Well. What a complete bastard!

[The closing credits roll over FILM: The man who was playing chess with the Grim Reaper in the opening, is now a Ghoul who is caddying for the golfing Grim Reaper. We hear the same evil music used with the opening titles. We can't hear much, but the Ghoul is claiming to have found Reaper's Ball; then they appear to argue about the score: the Reaper saying "23", and the Ghoul insisting "27", then asks the Reaper why he doesn't just piss off then.]