[Man has just moved a piece]

[The Reaper analyses the board]

[Gets up and with a wave clears the board of pieces]

[The Reaper gets up and swings his sickle as if to cut off Man's head, but blocks our view. FADE TO BLACK (by zooming into the Reapers black outfit)]
[DISSOLVE to TITLES, which are done as slick horror film. Animated Halloweenish scape of a stormy graveyard. Captions appear as red dripping letters while creepy music plays. Animated stills of the Players appear as sub-captions are added]

The Young Ones
Present

(as a vampire)

Adrian Edmonson -- Fear will freeze you when you face...

(with red glowing eyes and goatee, being hanged)

Rik Mayall -- Not very nice at all!

(sticking out a black tongue)

Nigel Planer -- Worse than one of those little blue crunchy things!

(with grimace and scar)

Christopher Ryan -- He begins where Jackanory left off!

(appearing to scream)

Alexei Sayle -- A bit like something out of a horror movie!
In
NASTY -- The ultimate in ... Thingy!

(Filmed in HORROSCOPE)

[TITLES drip away, as we hear an evil music-box variation of the YOUNG ONES theme]

[SCENE: A dim graveyard. It is raining. The 4 Boys are approaching, carrying a coffin. Well, all but Mike, who is mocking their posture and steps, but not supporting any weight]

NEIL: Well we are sort of responsible for his being in this position in the first place.

VYVYAN: Liberal!

RICK: You should have heard me at the undertakers, Mike! [[Snort!]] I made all these fabulous jokes about the undertaker coming 'round to measure my stiffie! [[Snort!]]

NEIL: I thought maybe we should have some, like, floral tribute, but all I could find was this carrot. So I borrowed Rick's Biro

RICK: You rented it, Neil You rented it! And you still haven't paid!

NEIL: ...yeah, and I wrote on it, "Sorry about everything being a bit of a bummer, you know, what with you dying and everything, but still, things could have been worse. You could have been me and ended up having a really bad time all of the time, signed, Neil".

MIKE: That's very touching, Neil.

VYVYAN: When my hamster finds out you've nicked his carrot, he's gonna kill you Neil.

NEIL: Was it SPG's? I didn't know he ate carrots.

VYVYAN: He doesn't eat carrots, Neil! He sticks 'em down his underpants to impress the girls. Wait a minute! We've missed the grave.

[Coffin manoeuvres in the dark]

[A strange smiling woman walks by pushing a wheelbarrow with a body in it]

NEIL: Yeah, yeah they're all right, yeah.

MRS. SMILEY: I'm so glad! I think they're wonderful!

[Woman picks up and departs. A Vicar enters, quite drunk]

VYVYAN: Well you'd better be, or else you'd look a might girlie in that dress.

VICAR: [pokes Vyv in the eye] Right. Anyone tell the stiffie joke?

VYVYAN: Yes. Rick has.

VICAR: Yeah, well, forget about that then. Right. C'mon, let's get on with it, then; let's get it over with.

[As everyone takes their places around the open grave, the Vicar pulls out a small metal flask and starts slurping]

VICAR: My God, you're right!

[drops the flask, spilling the contents, then pulls out a large whiskey bottle]

[takes a big gulp; bottle and Bible in same hand]Right, now, um, where are we? Ashes to ashes....

RICK: [singing]: ...Funk to funky, we know Major Tom's a junkie....

VICAR: [Grabs Rick by the collar]: Shaddup!

[Vicar gives Rick a solid head butt; Rick falls in.]

VYVYAN: Brilliant! Let's fill it in! [Grabs the shovel from Neil]

NEIL: No! No! You can't bury Rick alive!

VYVYAN: That's absolutely correct, Neil. We'll have to kill him first!

[Vyv mashes the shovel with a rude, dull, clang]

[Two grave diggers enter]

GRAVEDIGGER#2: Where'd ya nick all this gear from?

GRAVEDIGGER#1: Yeah, we dig the graves around here, right! If any graves dug on these premises, they get dug by.... [Notices "us"] What's this camera? Is this Game For A Laugh?

GRAVEDIGGER#2: Have you killed someone as a prank?

RICK: [rising from the grave]: No we have not, now will you please BUGGER OFF! This is a serious funeral!

GRAVEDIGGER#1: Anyone uh, told the stiffie joke yet?

ALL: YES!

VYVYAN: So, GO -- AWAY!

GRAVEDIGGER#2: Na, c'mon. Tell us what's going on.

VYVYAN: Well, it's a long story.....

[WAVY DISSOLVE as actors move their bodies to mimic the effect, TO:]

[SCENE: Back at the house, looking at the closed bathroom door. Rick comes out, dressed in a robe, looking clean and combed for once]

[Rick turns and steps to exit, trips over Neil, who is sitting on the floor with a cheap blue shower cap on his head]

NEIL: [sounding depressed]: Queuing.

RICK: How long have you been there?

NEIL: 30 years.

RICK: You've been listening, haven't you Neil? You've been squatting there listening to what I've been doing in the bath! Is that how you get your kicks these days? It is, isn't it, you little perv-y!

NEIL: I wasn't listening. Anyway, what were you doing?

RICK: I wasn't doing anything.

NEIL: Well, I can't have heard anything, can I?

RICK: And anyway Neil, don't think that me, Mike and Vyvyan don't know exactly what you get up to in there. So I wouldn't go around spilling the beans if I was you!

NEIL: [now very worried]: What do you know about the beans?

RICK: Nothing!

[RICK, confidant that he'd won, marches to his bedroom, then stops, reconsiders, and turns back to Neil, who has picked up his guitar and his Thermos and is entering the bathroom]

NEIL: Oh. Nothing. Ha, Ha, Ha. No beans! Ha ha.

[Neil is closing the door, but Rick forces himself in]

NEIL: Uh...

RICK: You haven't got much of a choice, actually, because there's no more hot water.

NEIL: [looks]: Well, it's a bit cloudy, Rick.

[We see a shot of a disgustingly dirty tub, filled with horrible, thick black sludge]

NEIL: I hate bath night. Oh well, here goes.

[NEIL is off-camera. We hear a great slurp as NEIL gets in. Rick gets hit in the face with a bit of sludge that splashes out]

RICK: Oh come off it Neil! Where's your spunk!

[SCENE: Mike and Vyv are one the floor in the drawing room. There is a videotape player on the floor, and video cassette boxes are everywhere. Mike has some instructions in his hand.]

VYVYAN: Ha ha ha!! They wouldn't say that if they knew what video we've got! Right!

[Mike and Vyv turn towards the TV which is showing nothing but lines and noise.]

VYVYAN: No. I call it very, very dull!

MIKE: Must have gone wrong somewhere.

VYVYAN: Oh God!

MIKE: Maybe you shouldn't have poured all of that washing-up liquid in it.

VYVYAN: But it says here, Michael look, "Ensure machine is clean, and free from dust"!

MIKE: Yeah, but it don't say, "Ensure the machine is full of washing-up liquid"!

VYVYAN: No, but it doesn't say, "Ensure the machine isn't full of washing-up liquid"!

MIKE: Well, it wouldn't would it! I mean, it doesn't say, "Ensure you don't chop up your video machine with an axe, put all the bits in a plastic bag, and bung 'em down the lavatory"!

VYVYAN: Doesn't it? Well maybe that's what's going wrong!

[picks it up as if to start following these new instructions]

VYVYAN: Who's he then? A gangster?

MIKE: No, he's a bloke that works at Rumbelow's+.

[SCENE: Neil is in the tub, looking depressed, and strumming a minor chord on his guitar. Rick barges in and throws a towel off camera, perhaps in a hamper, oblivious to Neil. Rick suddenly notices the overhead light.]

NEIL: Well... yeah!

RICK: Why, what are you planning to do, photosynthesise? We all pay for the electricity in this house you know!

[turns it off and leaves, slamming the door]

[SCENE: Rick is standing outside his closed bedroom door]

[CUT To: Inside bedroom POV, Rick enters with head tucked and with arms wildly waving, shouting "Ow! Ow!", as if to fend off whatever unknown horrors await him inside. To Rick's great surprise, his room is empty, his bed is not burning; all appears in order.]

[Nothing. Rick closes his door, expecting Vyv to be hiding behind it. More protective arm gestures and "Ow! Ow!"'s. Again, nothing. Rick throws off the bed covers, again with anticipatory arm thrusting. Nothing!]

[Rick, beginning to feel safe, acquires devious grin, pulls out a key from his robe, and locks the door. He's breathing becomes more pronounced, as he takes a pocket knife and opens a secret compartment in the floor, from which he produces a Cosmopolitan magazine, which he clutches with naughty intent. He opens it up and jumps onto his bed. Suddenly, and with a great buzzing fury, a spinning saw blade comes out of the wall at Ricks feet, and rapidly starts making it's way up the bed, between Rick's legs. Rick, paralysed with fear, starts screaming, and somehow manages to leap to safety at the last moment.]

[CUT TO: Neil in the tub]

[CUT TO: Rick outside Vyv's bedroom door, which is boarded up. Rick is hammering in the final plank]

MIKE: What's that thumping?

VYVYAN: That's probably Rick doing a bit of reading.

[pulls a bottle out of the fridge]

MIKE: What, for the video or Rick's bedspreads?

SPG: Ooh! Have we got a video?

VYVYAN: Yes, we've got a video!

[walks into the drawing room]

[Rick appears, and goes into the kitchen to read his Cosmo. He hasn't seen the others. He sits at the table and lecherously looks at the bra ads or whatever, making horrible groaning sounds of bliss. Mike approaches unnoticed from behind and leans in very close to see what Rick is reading.]

[Rick is quite startled and jumps up screaming. Brief shot of Vyv taking a hammer to the video player]

[Snort!]

[Mike, unimpressed, leaves to check on Vyv.]

VYVYAN: [stands up to where Rick can now see] There. I think that should do it!

RICK: Vyvyan! You utter bastard! Why aren't you in your bed?

VYVYAN: Because I'm not going to bed tonight.

RICK: What do you mean you're not going to bed tonight? How dare you not go to bed tonight! I go to all the trouble to board you up in your bedroom, and you don't even have the common decency to be in there!

VYVYAN: Don't worry, Rick; it wouldn't have worked anyway!

RICK: And why not, pray?

VYVYAN: Because I swapped rooms with Neil!

RICK: What?

VYVYAN: Well I had to! I was sick all over my bed.

RICK: You listen here young man. You're going straight up to Neil's room, you're gonna pull the planks off the door, go into your own bedroom, and nail yourself in! And.... What do you mean you're not going to bed tonight?

VYVYAN: Michael and I are going to indulge in an all night orgy of sex and violence!

RICK: What, in the drawing room?

VYVYAN: Yeah. First we're going to have sex with the Headless Corpse and the Virgin Astronaut.

RICK: Ugh!. Won't the carpet get awfully sticky?

VYVYAN: It's a video nasty!!!

RICK: [mockingly; still not understanding yet] It's a carpet, farty!!

MIKE: The only trouble is, we can't get the bastard to work.

RICK: I'm not surprised if he's dead!

MIKE: Not the astronaut; the video.

RICK: Ooooh! Have we got a video??

VYVYAN: Yes -- we've -- got -- a -- vid -- e - o!!!

RICK: Wait a minute, where did you get it from??

MIKE: Well don't spread it around, alright, but I know this guy....

[Somewhere, far off, a wolf howls]

VYVYAN: Yeah, more or less. There's a free offer down at the TV rental shop where you can get one on trial for the night.

MIKE: Yeah, so I sort of slipped down there and I had a word with the guy...

VYVYAN: ...slipped back to get his birth certificate to prove his age...

MIKE: ... yeah, forged our signature, and bob's your auntie's live-in lover.

VYVYAN: Except that they've given is a dud!

[throws the manual to the floor]

[grabs the manual off the floor, looks at it, then holds it up]

[SCENE: Shot of full moon; a wolf howls. It is in heavy woods. We see only the feet of a man in a coat who is, with great effort, walking quickly through the woods.]

[CUT TO: the inside of a small cabin; two men are at a table playing cards. One of the men is in a dark turtle neck sweater, the other is wearing a ruffled shirt. They both have guns in shoulder harnesses. Suddenly, the door flies open, the man in the coat enters, and cries out, obviously in great pain. He falls to the floor; his jacket bears the blood of a mortal wound to the chest. The other two men appear not to notice any of this.]

SWEATER:Some people always have to make a dramatic entrance, don't they?

RUFFLES: What's the matter this time?

SWEATER:[annoyed at the intrusion] I think he's been shot.

RUFFLES: You know what that means, don't you?

SWEATER:You've stacked?

RUFFLES: No; I'm going to have to shut the door myself.

[Does so. The wounded man is writhing]

[To the wounded man]

SWEATER:What's the matter?

RUFFLES: He's muttering, he's grabbing a hold of my trousers.

SWEATER:Maybe he's trying to apologise about the floor.

WOUNDED: [with great difficulty] You've gotta go to Geneva tonight!! 347 Rue de Cavignee. Ask... for... Alec... Guiness!!

RUFFLES: Hold it, hold it. I'll never remember all this. [to Sweater] Give us a piece of paper.

SWEATER:[gives him a card] Use that!

RUFFLES: [looks at it] Did you have the ace the whole time?

SWEATER:No, not that one!

RUFFLES: ...cause I wanted it...

SWEATER:... well I had it, but I...

[They engage in mindless banter while Wounded is dying]

RUFFLES: All right, all right. I'm not made of paper! I mean, I'm not a cheque!

SWEATER:[laughs] That very good, actually!

RUFFLES: That's rather good isn't it? I saw a comedian do it on telly.

SWEATER:I saw that! I think I saw that. What's it called?

WOUNDED: Harry!

SWEATER:Harry! That's it!

WOUNDED: Harry Secombe! For God's sake get a bloody paper!!!

RUFFLES: Look, it won't be in the paper, it was on last week!

WOUNDED: [The grabbing at Ruffles' trousers has pulled them down] You've got to go to Geneva tonight! The whole of Western Civilisation [gasps] depends upon it!

[pulls Ruffles close as if to whisper something, but kisses him, then slumps the floor]

[back to WOUNDED, now dead]

SWEATER:He's dead.

RUFFLES: How do you spell it?

SWEATER:He's dead.

RUFFLES: [gets serious] Look, Steve, I'm going to have to contact England. They're going to have solve this question once and for all.

[(INSERT: Several frames of wet hands with clay on a spinning potters wheel) Ruffles picks up the phone]

[CUT BACK TO: Rick has joined Vyv in trying to get the video to work. Mike is on the couch, pulling the video tape from a cassette, and attempting to view it as if it were film.]

RICK: Give us a chance, Mike!

VYVYAN: Yeah. We've made some toast!

[One piece of toast pops out of the front, then another. The phone starts ringing.]

MIKE: Well, maybe someone's just died.

RICK: Oh you mean one of our relatives; yes, perhaps so.

[Rick walks towards the phone on the wall at the base of the stairs, then turns towards the stairs, looking up]

[CUT TO: Neil sleeping in the tub]

[He pulls himself out of the muck]

[Neil fumbles around, still half asleep, then looses his balance and crashes through the window]

[A couple of dull thuds are heard. Perhaps he bounced as he hit the ground]

[CUT TO: drawing room, phone still rings]

VYVYAN: I am pressing that button!! [Vyv is using a hammer]

RICK: But you're doing it wrong! You're supposed to use your hand!

VYVYAN: What, like this? [smacks Rick on the head.]

[Neil enters through the kitchen door, still wearing a shower cap and not much else. He is filthy. For modesty, he is holding a red flower pot at his crotch. He makes his way through to the ringing phone, keeping his naked backside from view.]

GUYS: Yes.

NEIL: Yes we do. [hangs up]

MIKE: [Looks up and notices Neil] Hey Neil! You're filthy! Go and have a bath!

NEIL: I've just had one! It's amazing how dirty you can get in this house just answering the phone!

RICK: Hey everybody, listen! It was probably a dirty phone call!

VYVYAN: [grabs Rick by the front of his robe, and pulls him face to face] Shut up or I'll kill you!

RICK: [sarcastically] Oh, touchÈ, Vyvyan. What devastating repartee. Talk about Oscar Wilde.

NEIL: Oh, alright. Oscar Wilde, was one of the greatest British writers who was perscuted for his homosexuality....

[Rick approaches, and feeling that Neil is mocking him, starts slapping him]

NEIL: ... well in the early part of his career...

RICK: [still slapping] Shut up!

NEIL: Oh yeah, OK, be like that Rick!

RICK: Be like what exactly, Neil? BE like what??!!

NEIL: Be like a complete and utter drag and bring everything down in the whole world.

RICK: What...like your trousers??!!!

NEIL: Don't you dare say that Rick! Flares are coming back in! I read it in my horoscope.

VYVYAN: [instigating] Yeah! How DARE he say that, Neil! Smash his face in!!

[Rick is taunting Neil by pointing to his own face]

[grabs a large kettle from the top of the fridge with his one free hand, the other still holding the flower pot to his groin]

[Rick sees that Neil is serious, and runs to the other side of the kitchen table. Neil grabs the kettle's handle with both hands and raises it above his head, preparing to lob it at Rick]

[Neil looks down at the erect flower pot, and becomes overcome with embarrassment, drops the kettle, and runs upstairs.]

NASTY - Part Two