Written by Ben Elton, Rik Mayall, and Lise Mayer
Additional material by Alexei Sayle
BBC, 1982
[Please send corrections to Steve Rapport. Thanks.]
[shot of VYVYAN in the wardrobe. VYVYAN walks into Narnia, from C. S. Lewis' The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe. A WITCH sits on a horse-driven sled nearby, along with her dwarf servant, SHIRLEY. SHIRLEY has a long beard and is smoking a pipe]
WITCH: Stop here, Shirley.
SHIRLEY: Look, your majesty. A young fawn!
WITCH: That's not a fawn, that's a man-child, son of Adam. His presence signals danger.
SHIRLEY: It's the prophecy!
WITCH: Silence, we must question him. [to VYVYAN] Hello, little boy! What's your name?
VYVYAN: [walking over] Vyvyan!
WITCH: [holding plate of Turkish Delight] What a lovely name. Come, sit next to me, child. [VYVYAN sits in sled.] Have some Turkish Delight. [VYVYAN leans over and opens his mouth. WITCH recoils in disgust]
Ugh...Who's farted?
VYVYAN: It's not me!
[SHIRLEY pulls his beard off and grabs VYVYAN's collar]
SHIRLEY: That's revolting! That's revolting! People like you should be put in little boxes, tied up with string, and left in small dark rooms with out any electricity!
VYVYAN: Who says?
SHIRLEY: For a month!
VYVYAN: WHO SAYS?
SHIRLEY: [weakly] She does.
WITCH: I did not! That's a lie, Shirley!
VYVYAN: 'Shirley'? Is that your name, then? 'Shirley'?
SHIRLEY: It's better than 'Vyvyan' by a longshot!
VYVYAN: Oh, yeah? 'Shirley'!
WITCH: Oh, would you two shut up! Would you like some Turkish Delight, my child?
VYVYAN: Not particularly! Got any kebabs?
WITCH: Listen, sweetheart. You eat the Turkish Delight, or you'll find yourself in the rockery holding up fishing grout!
SHIRLEY: And she means it!
VYVYAN: Look, I'm in a bit of hurry actually. You see I'm trying to hide from someone. You haven't seen a would-be Sociology student being chased by a lion, have you?
WITCH: [horrified] A lion?
SHIRLEY: Lion?
VYVYAN: Well, if you do, don't tell him I'm hiding in this tree over here, okay? [walks to tree]
WITCH: No, wait! Man-child, I command you to wait! Stop him, Shirley!
SHIRLEY: You majesty! He said a lion! It's the prophecy!
[VYVYAN enters the tree with a scream. CUT to VYVYAN sliding down a dark tunnel. CUT to cellar. RICK is searching the room. VYVYAN falls out of the fireplace, unseen by RICK]
RICK: Oh, what is the bloody point? Alright, Vyvyan. I give up!
VYVYAN: [waves his arms] Coo-ey!! Behind you!
RICK: [shuts cellar door] You bloody cheat! I thought we said no hiding in the cellar!
VYVYAN: Then what are you looking in the cellar for?
RICK: Uh...I'm not looking for you, actually. I just came down here to tell you I didn't want to play your bloody childish game anymore!
VYVYAN: What do you mean? It was your idea to play 'Hide and Seek'!
RICK: It was a joke! I was playing another joke on you! And, Ha Ha Ha, because you fell for it!
[puts hands on hips and gives smug look]
VYVYAN: [thinking for quick comeback] Well, I didn't fall for it because...because while you were counting to one hundred, I went up to your bedroom and set fire to your Sociology file! [smiles]
[RICK's smug look as turned to a look of pure anger. He takes out his biro, digs it into VYVYAN's head, and backs away laughing. VYVYAN, on the floor, shakes the cobwebs out and throws a crowbar at RICK. The crowbar gets RICK's jacket by the right
collar and attaches him to the cellar door. VYVYAN picks up a hatchet and prepares to do RICK in. RICK screams as NEIL opens the door.]
NEIL: Lads! Lads, come quickly! Rick's bedroom is on fire!
VYVYAN: Great! [grabs a gasoline can] Come on!
[he shuts the door. RICK falls to the ground with a thud]
RICK: They've hurt my bottom!
[CUT to drawing room. A siren is heard in the background as JERZEI BALOWSKI enters through the door]
JERZEI: Hello? Hello, boys? It's Jerzei Balowski, your landlord, come for the party with the Tremeloe's records, boys! Hello boys, anybody home? Hello? Oh, nobody home, oh. [spies soda can on top of the refrigerator] Oh! Coca-Cola! Symbol
of free West! Oh! [Grabs can] Oh, I like Coca-Cola. Mmm! [Takes a sip, and screams in pain] Oh, tastes good! Hello, boys? Hello b... [screams again and drinks some more] Hello, boys? Hello? [has minor convulsions] Hello, boys?
Where are you? Boys? [howls at skeleton as he enters the wardrobe] Boys? Hello? Where are you? Hello, boys! Where are you?
[CUT to stairs. NEIL and VYVYAN approach the door to RICK's bedroom. As NEIL speaks, VYVYAN is placing the spout on the gasoline can]
NEIL: And I was just...I was just hiding there in the wardrobe, right. And it was getting really hot. And then...and then I thought, 'Oh, no. I forgot to put out that Sociology essay that was burning on Rick's desk!'
VYVYAN: Yeah, I started that! Try to make Rick think I was hiding in his bedroom.
NEIL: What? You set fire to Rick's bedroom? I think that's a really selfish thing to do, Vyvyan! I was hiding in there, and you could have given me away!
[RICK runs in, holding his bottom]
RICK: Help! Help! Call the firemen! [enters room, his bed is ablaze]
AIEEGH! Help! Call the fireman!
[RICK opens the windowsill, and a huge gush of water comes in, dousing the flames and soaking RICK]
VYVYAN: [enters with NEIL] Blimey! That was quick! [sits on the bed. RICK is sitting on the floor with a fish flapping about in his jacket]
RICK: Well, super! Perfect! Lovely! Wonderful! Good old Vyvyan! Big tip, 'A' plus, ten out of ten, go and see Mater and get up another bit of tuck! Bloody great, isn't it Vyvyan? Just think, I won't have to put my...my...my bed in the toaster now.
[MIKE enters with a suitcase and a cigarette in his mouth]
MIKE: Anybody got a light? [walks over to the bed and lights his cigarette on a small flame]
RICK: Oh, Blooming flip! Sorry, Mike! Silly of me! I did have one, but I went and put it out! I'm such a twit! Slap! Slap! Slap!
MIKE: Hey, Rick. You've got a fish sticking out of your shirt!
NEIL: I hate sharks!
VYVYAN: Don't be stupid, Neil. That's not a shark!
NEIL: [pointing to window] No, but that is. [they look at the window to see a shark swimming]
VYVYAN: That's just the most completely brilliant thing I've ever seen...A flying shark!
MIKE: Uh, Vyvyan. Sharks don't fly.
VYVYAN: Oh, wow! That's what those sirens must have been, of course. Shark warnings!
MIKE: Look, I don't want to be a wet blanket or anything, but if this house is a bottle, I'm the one with a message.
NEIL: What do you mean, Mike?
MIKE: [exiting] Simple, London has flooded.
[pause. RICK is in shock. VYVYAN is fascinated. NEIL is pondering]
NEIL: Oh well. well, we'll all probably get drowned or eaten by octopuses, then.
RICK: WHAT? Phone the police!
NEIL: But they're fascists!
RICK: Well, never mind about that now! Telephone, Vyvyan!
[Vyvyan runs down the stairs past MIKE who is going upstairs. VYVYAN grabs the phone and pulls it off the wall, cord and all. He then runs back upstairs, passing MIKE who is going downstairs, and back into RICK's bedroom. He places the receiver to
his ear, and then throws it down]
VYVYAN: [exhausted] Oh, it's broken.
[CUT to JERZEI in the wardrobe passing the same scenery as VYVYAN did]
JERZEI: Hello boys, hello? [drinks and spits it up violently] Hello, boys? Anybody home?
[CUT to the staircase. The boys all run down the stairs]
RICK: I know, switch on the radio. There's bound to be a public information bulletin! [VYVYAN switches on the radio]
[CUT to a station. A DJ and a PUNK are having an interview. The PUNK has no arms.]
DJ: And exactly how long have you been in the music biz?
PUNK: Since lunchtime. I was working in a well known launderette in the King's Road this morning. Malcolm McLaren came in and liked the look of me.
DJ: Right.
PUNK: [mumbles to herself]
DJ: And was it his idea that you should amputate your arms?
PUNK: Originally, yeah! I could see the validity of the idea from the beginning!
DJ: Right! In what way?
PUNK: Well, my music is all about urban alienation, apparently.
[Water comes in from the vent]
DJ: What? Hey, what's going on here?
PUNK: I can't swim!
DJ: [panicking, he rushes out the studio, knocking the PUNK to the floor] I can't even see. Look, you do it! Why wasn't there anything about this on the radio?
[CUT back to the drawing room. The radio is leaking water. RICK frantically turns it off. Pan back to see MIKE folding his blow-up doll in his suitcase. VYVYAN is building a cardboard submarine using a small hammer, and NEIL is decorating it with a
small vial of paint and a brush]
RICK: That's just typical of you, Vyvyan! The house is under fifty feet of water and what do you do, build a submarine! [thinks] There's, um, no room for me in there, is there?
VYVYAN: No!
RICK: Good.
VYVYAN: Of course there isn't any room in it for you! Why should there be any room in it for you? I want to see you drown! And If I want to see you drown, why should I build a submarine with room enough for you in it? Stupid! I'm not even taking S
PG along!
SPG: Is that right? We'll see about, pally!
[SPG flies into the air and bites VYVYAN on the neck]
VYVYAN: Bastard! [he falls onto his submarine, wrecking it]
NEIL: Oh, wow. Vyvyan, man, you broke your own submarine!
[VYVYAN grabs SPG and starts pummelling him with the hammer]
VYVYAN: You bastard! I've shown you a great deal of consideration over the years but THIS IS THE END OF THE LINE! YOU'RE GOING OUT TO PLAY WITH THE SHARKS!
[VYVYAN takes SPG and walks outside. CUT to water scene. A SHARK is swimming, as SPG swims by]
SHARK: Hello, are you lunch?
SPG: Is that you, Jaws? I think you're great! I've seen all your films! Can I have your autograph?
SHARK: [sighs] It's a bore I know, but, you know, I'd miss it if they didn't ask.
[CUT to JERZEI next to the tree]
JERZEI: Hello? Anybody, hello? Hello? Tree. Oh, tree. Hello, anybody in the tree?
[he enters and falls down the tunnel into the cellar. He slowly rises behind a bunch of cardboard boxes, breathing heavily. When he appears, he twists the can and throws it down screaming. He then grabs an axe and heads out of the room]
[CUT to kitchen. NEIL is blowing up water wings. VYVYAN is sitting on a chair. RICK is sitting on the counter smoking a cigarette]
NEIL: Hey, wouldn't it be terrible if we ended up having to eat each other. Like those sailors did in that movie, um, 'We Ended Up Having To Eat Each Other.'
RICK: Yes, I suppose it would, Neil. Except that we don't happen to have any dead sailors lying around the place. Or perhaps we do, perhaps I just haven't seen them. Perhaps I should buy myself a white stick!
NEIL: I was just saying...
RICK: YES, WELL DON'T!
MIKE: Alright! Alright, alright, alright! As usual, Mike, the cool person, comes up with a solution in times of trouble, and even trouble with a capital 'T'. This is, as they say, the moment of not telling too many lies. [pause] Are you with
me?
VYVYAN: No, not at all!
MIKE: The definition of hunger: Too many guys, not enough food. All we've got to do is change the ratio! And Neil's come up with the answer.
NEIL: Oh!
MIKE: Yeah, there's only one problem. Who's going in the pot?
[long pause. RICK has a grin on his face]
RICK: ME! [to NEIL] No, him. It was a joke!
NEIL: Just my luck. I was supposed to get the shortest straw. Mind you it was pretty uncool of the guys not to show me theirs, but there you go. [the door bursts open and MIKE, RICK, and VYVYAN bust in.] Oh, hi guys! Yeah, Come and sit down,
yeah! Uh, do you want to play some records? [RICK and MIKE force NEIL onto the bed] Uh...Oh, look guys...Guys, I just remembered I got something, uh, really important to do, you know. So, goodbye.
MIKE: No time for that, Neil. We're hungry!
[VYVYAN turns on a hedge trimmer. NEIL screams in fright]
RICK: Ha! He's scared! He's scared! 'Scaredy cat, scaredy cat! Sitting on the doormat! All the little doggie-wogs... [notices that VYVYAN and MIKE are staring at him] ...will have a little bit of it.'
[VYVYAN turns on the hedge trimmer again.]
VYVYAN: Right! Here we go!
MIKE: [frantic] Hold it! Hold it! HOLD IT! [VYVYAN turn off the trimmer] Hold it like that! [shows] Then you get a nice clean cut and there's no mess! [VYVYAN turns on the motor. NEIL sits upright]
NEIL: Oh, Vyvyan?
VYVYAN: Yeah?
NEIL: Vyvyan, could I have an anaesthetic?
VYVYAN: Course you can! [he hits NEIL over the head with a hammer. NEIL passes out, but quickly revives]
NEIL: Oh, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait! Uh, uh, look...Uh, Mike, is there time for a last cigarette?
MIKE: I don't see why not, yeah! [he pulls a cigarette out from behind his ear and puts it in his mouth. RICK lights it. MIKE takes one drag and douses it out] Alright.
[VYVYAN prepares to slice NEIL in half, when a small section of the door is chopped off by an axe as JERZEI stick as much of his face in the crack as possible]
JERZEI: Heerrree's Jerzei!
RICK: It's Mr. Balowski!
VYVYAN: How did he get in here?
NEIL: Well, you could eat him instead, actually.
JERZEI: Little pigs! Little pigs! Let me in! Boys and girls come out to play on the busy motorway! Let me in! Jerzei wants to play 'Hospital'!
RICK: Oh, my God! He's turned into a homicidal axe-wielding maniac!
[MIKE covers himself with a sheet]
NEIL: Oh, well! Out of a frying pan, into another frying pan...
RICK: Shut up, Neil! Shut up! [NEIL continues to babble. JERZEI starts screaming] Shut up! Shut up! BLOODY SHUSH! SHUSH! [runs to the door where JERZEI is trying to cut his way in] There's nobody in here, Mr. Balowski! We're all holo
grams! What are we going to do, Mike? [looks for MIKE, who is invisible, thanks to the sheet]
[CUT to outside the bedroom. JERZEI is chopping at the door. A chair is here with a backdrop reading, 'HALF TIME REPORT' JERZEI stops cutting and sits down. He speaks in a different voice]
JERZEI: Well, we're halfway through the show, and it's time for a half time report. I think the show has been going particularly well. I particularly like how the young lad, Rick, has been going off the joke into the dead laugh area... [quick sh
ot of the boys watching this on a television set. MIKE is sill covered by the sheet]
JERZEI: Going into the international sphere, they're going to have to face some stiff competition especially from the Swedes with their comedy series, "Ooh, Where's My Volvo?" and also, of course, from the French with their comedy series, "Mr. Poo
Poo Goes to the Lavatory".
VOICE: ...we're going on!
JERZEI: Oh, sorry, Paul. Anyway, the half times over now and it's back to the action.
[Screams and chops off another section of the door. He is back using his normal voice]
JERZEI: Let me in, boys! Jerzei wants to finger your entrails!
RICK: I know, let's put Neil's speaker in front of the door!
SPEAKER: I don't want to go in front of the door!
[NEIL shields his speaker from the others]
NEIL: Oh, not that speaker! Jimi Hendrix once pissed on that!
RICK: Then let's put Neil in front of the door!
[they force NEIL to the door. JERZEI grabs him by the throat. VYVYAN takes the hedge trimmer and cuts a section of the wall out]
RICK: Yes! Yes! Bite his fingers, Neil!
NEIL: You know I can't do that! I'm a vegetarian!
RICK: Well, keep him occupied while we escape.
[RICK, MIKE, and VYVYAN rush out the hole. NEIL grabs JERZEI's hand and blows his nose on it]
JERZEI: UGH! You nasty boy...
[NEIL runs out through the hole. JERZEI chases them up the stairs. CUT to the outside of MIKE's bedroom. JERZEI runs in as VYVYAN slams the door. Sounds of lions eating JERZEI]
[CUT to staircase. The boys are descending]
VYVYAN: It's a good job Bobby was here with his man-eating lions.
RICK: Yes, I'd like to shake his hand.
MIKE: Here. [gives RICK a severed hand]
RICK: Oh, thanks! [he shakes it and throws it away]
NEIL: [looking out of window] Hey, wow! Guys, come and look! The house has grown!]
[They look out the window]
RICK: He's wrong, you know! The waters are subsiding!
VYVYAN: What's that?
[CUT to shot of SPG swimming on top of the water. He has a coke can in his mouth. End credits. Fade]
