PunkTV!

The Young Ones:FLOOD 1

Written by Ben Elton, Rik Mayall, and Lise Mayer
Additional material by Alexei Sayle
BBC, 1982

[NOTE: Please send corrections to Steve Rapport. Thanks.]

FLOOD - Part Two

JUDGE: Be this the pit, master gravedigger?

GRAVEDIGGER #1: Aye, it is, your holiness?

GRAVEDIGGER #2: And it is the finest pit we have dig this morrow! For 'tis, in truth, the only one! [GRAVEDIGGER #! hits GRAVEDIGGER #2 over the head with a shovel. JUDGE folds his arms]

JUDGE: Then let the punishment commence! Where is the prisoner?

GUARD: Here, sir!

JUDGE: Then cast him down, master soldier!

JUDGE: No, no! In the pit!

GUARD: Very good, master!

JUDGE: [indicating GUARD] Who is this fellow?

GUARD #2: That's you, master! [giggles]

JUDGE: No, no! In the pit!

GUARD #2: Very good, master! [he joins GUARD #1 in the pit]

JUDGE: Who is this fellow in the pit?

GUARD #2: That's me, master! Isn't that right, Ned?

GUARD #1: Yeah.

JUDGE: Master prisoner. Does thou knowest the crime of which thou has been found guilty of?

PRISONER: Yes, your holiness!

JUDGE: [irritated] Well?! What be that crime?!

PRISONER: [pulling out microphone] Being Scottish and Jewish: two racial stereotypes for the price of one! Perhaps the best value in the graveyard this morning. Perhaps not. Incidentally, just let me say how pleased I am to be here in the gr aveyard, where so many other comedians have died before me. [bows] And why not?

v RICK: I've just seen the most amazing thing in the garden! Neil biffed himself in the face with a frying pan!

MIKE: Rick, you've been looking out of that window for three hours now.

RICK: Yes, well it's hardly surprising, is it? Vyvyan put super glue all over the pane!

VYVYAN: [Reading comic on the couch] Did I? That was a good joke!

RICK: I'll probably be disfigured for life, Vyvyan, and you'll have to pay! Ha! And then who will be laughing, ha! [snort] Not you, matey. That's for sure!

MIKE: Yeah, well just don't break the glass when you tear your face off, that's all.

RICK: I won't. I won't because... [quickly moves away from window] it's not true! It was a joke I made up, and you fell for it like the fascists you are! God, I'm bored! I might as well be listening to Genesis! [Walks to drawing room] Marrow...

Meringue...

Boomerang...

Long blue boomerang...

VYVYAN: Oh, shut up!

RICK: I'm trying to free form!

VYVYAN: I'm trying to read!

RICK: OH, REALLY! I learned how to do that years ago! [snort] And what is it you're reading, Vyvyan? A bit of Pretarkian verse, is it? Little bit of French drama?

VYVYAN: It's called, 'SS Death Camp Criminal Battalion go to Monte Casino for the Massacre'.

RICK: [snatching comic] That's MY bloody comic!

VYVYAN: Give it back!

RICK: No, Vyvyan! It's mine! [sits down and reads] Anyway, there's no point in reading comics, they're stupid! They treat the kids is if they we're...well, as if they were, you know, kids! Nothing but war in them! War! War! Bloody war! Why can't they have stories about love and peace?

VYVYAN: Because it's sissy, you girly!

RICK: I'm not being girly, Vyvyan. Longing for a peaceful world is not being girly.

VYVYAN: It is! It's being soppy and very very girly!

RICK: I AM NOT BEING G...Look, this entire discussion is completely sexist anyway and I don't intend to continue it! [pause] But, for your information, it is not soppy of me to long for a world where a man will love his brother.

VYVYAN: Poof!

RICK: You're deliberately trying to provoke me, aren't you?

VYVYAN: Yeah!

RICK: For one man to love another, Vyvyan, is not poofy. It's actually very beautiful. It's only when they start touching each others bottoms that it gets poofy.

VYVYAN: I'm going to tell Mike and Neil that you said you love men. Hey, Mike...

RICK: Look, all I said was this comic is a reactionary militaristic pamphlet! All they ever do is fight all the time!

VYVYAN: And what's so wrong with that? I suppose you think we should all go around touching each others bottoms! 'Dan Dare touches Algie's bottom!' 'Exciting new story: Batman gooses the Joker's crack!'

RICK: Alright! Alright! Alright! What's this? [makes weird hippie body movement]

VYVYAN: Being poofy!

RICK: No, that's peace! What's this? [places his bottom in VYVYAN's face] That's my bottom, isn't it? They're two completely different things!

VYVYAN: Well, can I have the comic, then?

RICK: No, it's mine! I paid for it, and I intend to read it!

VYVYAN: [looking at window] Five past eleven and it's still raining. I wonder how hard it is?

RICK: I think it's probably not very hard seeing how it's only made of water!

    [VYVYAN snatches the comic, rips it in half, and throws it in RICKS lap]

VYVYAN: I'm going to find out anyway.

    [VYVYAN walks over to the window and opens the pane. He sticks his glass of tea out the window, holds it out for a few seconds, and pulls it back in. The glass is covered in phlegm]

VYVYAN: It's only spitting!

RICK: [reading comic] God, this stuff is so reactionary! Why can't they show us some real heroes?

    [CUT to comic strip panel. A bunch of KIDS are standing around. TWO POLICEMEN walk up. Caption reads: AN ORDINARY DAY. THE PIGS ARE HASSLING THE KIDS]

POLICEMAN #1: [laughs] You gay, black bastards! We're going to victimise you!

KIDS: Oh, no! [they cover their crotches] Who can help us now?

    [RICK, as PEOPLE'S POET, jumps into the frame. Caption reads: BUT SUDDENLY]

POLICEMAN #1: Oh, no! It's People's Poet!

KIDS: Gosh, People's Poet! Is it really you?

RICK: Yes, it is! And you pigs are in for a pretty big shock! Right on!

    [RICK pulls out a few scraps of paper and reads. Caption: THE PEOPLE'S POEM]

RICK:
What do you think you're doing, pig?

CAPTION & POLICEMEN: THWACK! [POLICEMEN act as if they were struck]

RICK: Do you really give a fig, pig?

CAPTION & POLICEMEN: BAM!

RICK:

    And what's your favourite sort of gig, pig?
    Barry Manilow?
    Or the Black and White Minstrel Show?

CAPTION & POLICEMEN: BOKKO! [POLICEMEN fly off screen]

KIDS: Thanks, People's Poet! Now the pigs won't hassle us now on the street anymore. [shakes hands with RICK]

    [CUT back to house. RICK is sitting, eyes closed, taking all this in and enjoying it. NEIL walks in from outside, and dumps the water in the frying pan on RICK's lap, waking him up. NEIL then hits himself in the head with the frying pan and prepare s to leave]

MIKE: Hey, Neil.

NEIL: Yes, Mike?

MIKE: Come over here.

NEIL: You want to know why I keep hitting myself in the head with a prying pan, don't you, Mike?

MIKE: No, I don't.

NEIL: Oh.

MIKE: Where's my breakfast?

VYVYAN: Yeah, where's the bloody vindaloo, hippie? You said you were going to the shops two hours ago!

NEIL: Oh, come on, guys! It's always my turn to go to the shops!

MIKE: So why haven't you gone?

NEIL: Well, it's raining. My hair will lose its shape! Anyway, I haven't got any money!

RICK: There's plenty of money in the kitty!

NEIL: Yeah, but he's constipated, isn't he?

VYVYAN: [wielding dagger] Well, let's open him up, then!

RICK: [pointing to floor] There he is, Vyvyan! GET HIM!

    [CUT to cat on the floor, dressed in a tuxedo. The cat is doing a stand-up routine]

CAT: Do you know what my favourite vegetable are, eh? PEAS! 5p! 10p! 50p! My wife, she's a terrible cook, though, but she would be, she's dead! I was having a meal with her the other night, right, and...what?

AIEEEGGHH!

    [CAT runs out the pet door as VYVYAN chases him. sound of coins dropping as he runs]

MIKE: Did you get him?

VYVYAN: [picking up coins] No, but he's left a little present on the mat.

    [slams the coins on the table]

NEIL: Okay, guys. What do we need?

RICK: [putting on jacket] Neil, you know exactly what I need. Cause all my stuff is marked with sticky labels!

VYVYAN: Wait a minute! Is yours the stuff with the sticky labels with 'Rick' written on it?

RICK: Yes!

VYVYAN: [false compassion] Oh, sod it! I'm very sorry, Rick! I didn't know! I thought it was mine, and I've eaten it! Every last bit!

NEIL: Look, guys, I know exactly whose food is whose, right. Cause I do all the shopping around here. And I do all the cleaning. My function around here, I might as well be your mothers!

RICK: But Neil, we don't hate our mothers!

NEIL: Alright, so most metaphors don't bear close examination! Anyway, for example, [places a plate on the table] This glob of green mould on a saucer is Rick's.

RICK: Yes, and I've spat on that, Vyvyan. So I wouldn't advise you eat it!

NEIL: The urine sample and the Super Mousse are Vyv's.

VYVYAN: Yeah, my potion! My potion as well!

NEIL: What potion?

VYVYAN: It's a potion I've invented where when the patient drinks it he turns into an axe-wielding, homicidal maniac! It's basically a cure. For not being an axe-wielding, homicidal maniac. The potential market's enormous!

NEIL: [taking a Coca-Cola can out of the fridge] What, is this it?

VYVYAN: Yeah! Yeah, I put it in a Coke can so nobody'd drink it by mistake.

NEIL: [placing can atop the refrigerator] You know, I just bet a bit later on somebody does drink that and turns into an axe-wielding, homicidal maniac!

RICK: Yes, I bet that as well. That's just the sort of crazy, imaginative thing that happens around here, isn't it? [waits for response] I said, 'Isn't it?' [still no response, RICK sulks]

NEIL: [pulling out pad of paper and pencil] Well?

RICK: Well what, hippie?

NEIL: Well, what do we need?

RICK: Look, we need everything except urine samples, green globules, and...and Super Mousse!

NEIL: [writing] Everything! Right: lentils...wallpaper...

RICK: LOOK, JUST GET TO THE SHOPS!

    [CUT to outside house. NEIL exits and walks down the street. Pan up to opposite building where someone is staring out the window with a pair of binoculars. CUT to inside of room. MAN #1 is staring out the window. MAN #2 stands next to him. They ar e dressed identically: black derby, eyeglasses, black suit, black pants, black shoes, black scarf around their heads]

MAN #2: Anything yet, Mr. B?

MAN #1: Nope. No, nothing!

MAN #2: Well, there must be something!

MAN #1: Nope! Not a sausage! Look, why won't you let me take the lens cap off?

MAN #2: Because they're not real binocliers! There's no point in taking them off!

MAN #1: Well, why can't we have a real pair of binocoliers for a change?

MAN #2: Because then the aliens would know that we're watching them, wouldn't they?

MAN #1: But, we're not watching them!

MAN #2: Yeah, but they're not to know that, are they?

MAN #1: This may sound like a stupid question: Lip nip nip nip bip?

MAN #2: Yes, it does.

MAN #1: I thought so. Look, what are we really doing here? Really?

MAN #2: Look, don't ask me! Ask the Manpower Services Commission!

MAN #1: Well, can't you?

    [shot of outside, still raining. switch back to room as MAN #2 looks out the window]

MAN #2: Is that a milkman?

MAN #1: [looking with binoculars] Nope!

MAN #2: Good! Pass me the milk bottle!

    [MAN #1 hands him the binoculars. MAN #2 throws them out the window. Sound of something falling into a glass. Cut back to house where VYVYAN is holding a glass out the window again. He draws it back in to reveal it is filled with urine with a pair of binoculars in it]

VYVYAN: It's pissing down now!

RICK: [slamming refrigerator door] OKAY, THAT'S JUST ABOUT THE BLOODY LIMIT! It's...I mean I only put it in there on Wednesday, you know! It's not as if they grow on trees or anything like that!

MIKE: [at table] Rick, what have you lost?

RICK: I had half an apple in there. Alright, own up, who's taken it?

VYVYAN: [on couch opening a can of lager] What were you doing, saving it for teacher? Trying to keep the doctor away?

RICK: If he's anything like you, YES!

    [weird wide eye smile, in typical RICK fashion. He turns to MIKE, who has two avocado slices over his eyes and is using a small electric fan]

Did you take it, Mike?

MIKE: Well, if you're going to sin, you might as well be original.

RICK: What's that supposed to mean?

MIKE: I don't know.

RICK: Well, I'm going to look in your bin for the pits! [runs upstairs]

MIKE: He shouldn't do that.

VYVYAN: Why not?

MIKE: There's a lion tamer in my bedroom.

    [CUT to shot of RICK opening door. He sees a room full of lions and screams. CUT to inside room. a lion tamer is busy dealing with three lions, saying things like: 'on plats', 'Pasha here', 'Pasha plats' , 'Pasha!', etc.CUT back to drawing room. NE IL enters carrying two kittens. He places them down as he pulls more kittens from his pockets]

NEIL: I've never seen rain like this.

VYVYAN: Well, where's breakfast, then?

NEIL: Oh, no. I knew I went out for something.

MIKE: Neil, if your head was on strike you couldn't even picket your nose!

VYVYAN: I'm starving, you bastard!

RICK: [enters room] Yes, so you keep saying, Hitler! Well, why don't you put your money where your mouth is and go to the shops yourself?

NEIL: Yes, Vyvyan.

VYVYAN: Because I don't want my forehead to rust!

RICK: A little rain never hurt anybody! Anyway, you could take your stupid car!

VYVYAN: [looking, points to window] I could if it was tied down properly! [shot of drawing room. Everyone looks to see VYVYAN's car float by]

RICK: Blimey! Look at the water out there! Now we're never going to get to the shops!

    [VYVYAN stands on a chair and looks at NEIL]

VYVYAN: Hey, Neil! Can I have a look at your tonsils? [wields his dagger]

NEIL: Why, do I sound ill?

VYVYAN: No, no! I just want to pop myself a breakfast. [NEIL opens his mouth]

RICK: Oh, for Heaven's sake! Why can't we all start to act like civilised people? I mean, we are students after all. We're old enough to vote. We're old enough to do things to girls. We can go to prison. We can drive. Last week I even got into an 'X' film, for Christ's sake. So, how about finding some nice adult pursuit to keep us going until the rain stops? Michael?

    [shot of MIKE looking in the distance. FADE to RICK, who is covering his eyes and counting. They are playing 'Hide and Seek'. CUT to NEIL opening the door to Mike's bedroom. He sees the lions and poohs in his pants. He carefully runs down the stair s to RICK's room, as VYVYAN exits, blowing out a match. CUT back to RICK, still counting]

RICK: Sixty-seven...Eighty...Two thousand, five hundred! Coming, ready or not!

    [opens cabinet door over the stove. MIKE is huddled up in there]

Found you, Mike!

MIKE: No, you haven't!

RICK: What?

MIKE: Listen, I'm the best at playing games in this house, so you better go find the others first.

RICK: I'm sorry, Mike.

MIKE: That's alright, that's alright. Just come back in five minutes when they've lost the game.

RICK: Right. [closes cabinet door. He starts to walks away, but returns, knocks on the cabinet door, and opens it] Great hiding place, Mike!

    [closes door and walks to the stairs. VYVYAN is sitting there, lighting a cigarette]

RICK: Well, for Heaven's sake, Vyvyan, I've found you! Why won't anybody play this game properly?

VYVYAN: Look, I haven't started hiding yet, have I?

RICK: Well, would you mind doing it now, please? I'll give you five.

    [closes his eyes, VYVYAN hides in the wardrobe] FIVE! [opens his eyes and looks around. He can't find him] BASTARD! [runs up the stairs]


End of part one...

FLOOD - Part Two