The Young Ones:CASH 2
[NOTE: Please send corrections to Steve Rapport. Thanks.]
MIKE: Rick, that's the hundredth time you've asked me.
RICK: Yes, I know, but every time I ask you, you don't tell me!
MIKE: Well, it's time you got a watch!
RICK: I've got a watch! I'm just not very good at telling the time yet.
MIKE: [showing Rick his watch] Well, the small hand's on the four...
NEIL: [moaning] Ohhhh...I hate it! I hate it!
VYVYAN: Well, of course you hate it, Neil, it's not finished yet!
NEIL: It's finished as far as I'm concerned.
MIKE: [encouraging] What are you talking about? You're a hundred and fifty percent fashion! The Army can't say "no" this this suit!
VYVYAN: I still tend to think that the whole outfit is somethat on the snug side.
VYV and RICK: Yeah, come on, come on...
MIKE: So we're back to square one.
VYVYAN: Ga! Look at this weather. Anyone would think it was winter
RICK: Yeah, a chap could lose his bearings in weather like this.
NEIL: [skulking in] Hello...I've come to join the police force. But I shouldn't think you'd take me...
POLICE CHIEF: [in an exaggerated Italian accent] No. So, eh, what can I do for you?
NEIL: Oh, yeah, well, it's about joining the police force, but I don't think I'm, you know, correctly job motivated...
POLICE CHIEF: Oh, for sure you are, for sure. Eh, there's only one thing you need to know to be a policeman, you know? Really. One thing you have to do, you have to be able to go "CCCCCHHHHHHH"
NEIL: CCCCHHHHHHH!
POLICE CHIEF: That's right, that's right! Now, you practice going, "CCCCHHHHHH". And if you don't get it right, I kick your head in.
NEIL: Fascist!
POLICE CHIEF: Si! Okay, now, here is the uniform [he hands Neil the uniform] take that with you, and as you go out, watch out for the Special Branch.
TREE BRANCH: I've got a degree in Computer Science, that's what.
NEIL: Oh, yeah, that's quite special.
Whenever people bother me
I go...HUH HUH HUH HUH NI NI NI NI YA YA YA [etc.]
When the boss is giving you the sack
Just go...
VYVYAN: Uh, yeah! Kill yourself.
RICK: [fakes laughter] Ha ha ha! No, I was wondering if you'd thought of a name... [Rick points to himself] for your baby yet.
VYVYAN: Shut up or piss off!
RICK: [angered at his rejection] Oh, that's very nice...
VYVYAN: No, no, those are two names I'm considering. I mean, they'll be very handy in later life, you know, for getting into fights and things. [Vyv's belly starts quivering] Oh! Oh! He's kicking!
RICK: [he is fascinated in a disgusting sort of way] Oh, Vyvyan...Eeewww...Would it be alright...I mean, could I have a bit of a listen?
VYVYAN: Sure, help yourself! [Rick puts his ear to Vyv's belly] You can hear it kicking!
RICK: I can't hear a thing...
MIKE: That's very public spirited of you, Rick! Thanks!
NEIL: [to camera] Oh, wow, that's me, right? Uh... [Neil speaks into the radio] CCCCCHHHH... Uh, hello, uh, here I am.
RADIO VOICE: What is your location, PC-13?
NEIL: CCCCHHHHH...Well, I'm outside, right, but like, don't worry, 'cause, like, everything's really mellow, okay?
RADIO VOICE: 68 Bryant Street...Get 'round there, smash the place up, and arrest everybody.
NEIL: Right, right...CCCCHHHH....Okay...Here goes... [Neil goes off, truncheon in hand]
NEIL: Hi, Warlock. Um, look, uh...This is a bust.
WARLOCK: Oh, I know it's one, man... [shouts into the house] Hey! Don't flush the toilet! It's cool! It's only Neil! [admires Neil's uniform] Hey, man, where's you get that gear from?
NEIL: Oh...Uh, down the police station.
WARLOCK: Woah, you had me fooled. I've just eaten half my stash.
WARLOCK: No, it's not, man, we've got plenty more inside. Come in, take the tit off your head.
NEIL: Okay, listen, everybody, go home! It isn't safe! Take your stashes! It's not safe here!
NEIL: Says who?
STONEHENGE: [pointing] The wall... [she hugs the wall]
NEIL: No, listen, Stonehenge...No, listen, everybody, right, listen...
Hello, Earth, can you read me? This is Starship Captain Warlock, on the planet Freakout, broadcasting to you on the inter-electric galactic airwaves.
RADIO VOICE: CCCHHHHH. We receive you. Do you require assistance?
WARLOCK: [amazed] Far out, man! Uh, yeah, we require ten assistants... Preferably Swedish!
WARLOCK: [eating the rest of his stash in a panic] Oh, no...I knew I should have stuck to rum punch.
MIKE: Royal flush: five aces and a jack. [places the cards on Vyv's belly] Right.
RICK: Do we have to keep playing this game? Why can't we play something like Fish, that I'm good at?
VYVYAN: Come on, Rick, what have you got?
RICK: One three.
MIKE: Trousers.
RICK: [removing his trousers] It does seem rather strange to me that people with an "R" in their name are only allowed one card. What kind of game is that?
MIKE: Trousers! [Rick tosses his trousers to Mike]
VYVYAN: Right, another round?
RICK: All right...
MIKE: Forget about Neil, Rickie, I've got everything sorted.
RICK: Oh! Oh! So you've got everything sorted, have you, Mike? Well what have you sorted? I suppose you've arranged for a bloody great articulated lorry loaded with food, and money, and everything we need, to come smashing through the drawing room window, have you?!?
VYVYAN: Brilliant!
MIKE: Well, guys, I just don't know what to say.
DOG2: What is?
DOG1: Chess.
DOG2: Only if you have a nosebleed.
MIKE: Well, all this was a piece of luck.
RICK: Yes, a frightfully good piece of fortune.
MIKE: I don't mind if I do.
VYVYAN: [pouring ketchup into a silver bowl full of caviar] This caviar's really great, I suppose.
MIKE: [posing for the camera with cigar] James Bond smokes these, you know.
NEIL: [lurking by the front door] Oh, no, in their desparation the guys must have turned into experienced furniture thieves. Right!
VYVYAN: Hi, Neil! Want some champagne?
MIKE: Come on, Neil, pull up a chaise longue!
NEIL: There's gonna be no chaise longues where you're going, Mikey boy!
VYVYAN: No, no, we're all going to come very noisily!
RICK: Yes! [screaming] Eeeehhhh, eeeehhhh!
RICK: Look what your rough-arm tactics have done, fascist!
NEIL: Quick! Dial 999! Get an ambulance!
MIKE: I can't watch this. [Mike leaves the room]
NEIL: Oh, no...
NEIL: Uh, uh...
[a close up on Vyvyan is edged out of the frame by a shot of a MANIAC laughing demonically. The Maniac speaks to the camera.]
MANIAC: I've just been 'round my neighbour's house to borrow a drill...But he wasn't in! Ha ha ha ha! So I broke in and ate his fishtank. And I wasn't even hungry. Ha ha ha ha! You won't catch me with me trousers![the frame is edged back out with a close up of Rick.]
[SCENE: He is in the upstairs hall with Mike, nervously smoking six cigarettes simultaneously. Mike bites off several fingernails and spits them out. Moans and cries are heard from the adjoining bedroom.]
RICK: What time is it?[they are interrupted by Vyv's scream. They rush into the bedroom. Neil is sitting on the bed with an enormous mirror in hiding his head and a sheet draped around him. Vyv is cutting Neil's hair with a pair of gardening shears.]
MIKE: How's it going?[Neil lowers the mirror. The hair on the left side of his head has been cut off just above the ear. Neil stands up.]
At least this way I'm still half fashionable.[Mike removes the sheet. Neil is wearing one of Mike's suits (complete with watch fob), which is ridiculously short and tight.]
NEIL: Thanks for letting me hire it, Mike.[Vyv pulls at Neil's jacket while Rick plays with the watch fob.]
MIKE: Oh, come on, come on, the recruiting office closes in one hour![they lead a reluctant Neil out of the room]
SPG:[Vyv's hamster] [yelling after them]: Don't tell them you're a pacifist![SCENE: Outside, the guys are walking through the snow to the recruiting office. Ken Bishop's Nice Twelve (a quasi-jazz band led by Jools Holland) are playing Bob Dylan's Subterranean Homesick Blues, trading off each line.]
[SCENE: The guys push Neil into the Army Careers Information Office. A moment later, Neil is thrown back out.]
NEIL: I only said I was a pacifist![Neil and Vyv check their crotches. Rick points across the street.]
Do you see what I see?[It's a police station with a recruitment poster that says "We Take Absolutlely Anyone"]
VYVYAN: Oh, brilliant! Neil, you're joining the police. [the guys push Neil into the station]
[SCENE: an office in the police station. A POLICE CHIEF is dressed as Mussolini and is making vaguely Fascist poses. There is a skewed portrait of Mussolini on the wall.]
POLICE CHIEF: Entre, entre![Neil starts to skulk back out]
POLICE CHIEF: Hey, hey... [he strikes a pose and points to his profile]
NEIL: Hey, aren't you Benito Mussolini, conquerer of Abyssinia and former dictator of Italy?[he makes a radio-static sound].
NEIL: Aaccckkk....[Neil is unable to make the sound]
POLICE CHIEF: No, no, "CCCCHHHHHH", for when you are talking into your radio, you know? "CCCCCHHHH" -- try it! "CCCCHHHHHHH" You go, "Charlie, Tango, Teakettle, Barbeque, CCCCCHHHHHH"![Neil walks out of the station and hits his head on a tree branch]
NEIL: I don't see what's so special about that.[back to the Police Chief in his office]
POLICE CHIEF: [he's dropped the Italian accent and is now talking like Alexei Sayle] It's been a terrible blow to my life looking like Mussolini, you know. Especially when I was a kid, you know, I was about seven, right, and I was down the Youth Club, you know, dancing away, right, like in the 'sixties, doing the Twist,...[he starts doing the Twist]
...you know. And, em, there was this girl, right, and she comes up to me, and she goes,"'Ere! Are you Mussolini?" I said, "Emmm...Yeah." She says, "I thought you was dead." I says, "No, it was just me day off, you know." So she pulled me over the dance floor and butted me in the face! I said, "What's that for?" She said, "That's for the invasion of Crete!"[to the sound of applause, the Police Chief walks through the office door]
[Cut to: SCENE of a stage with a glittery curtain. An M.C. in a purple lame tuxedo is at the microphone.]
MC: ...And now, Italy's contestent in the Eurovision Song Contest, here is Il Douce with this year's entry...Take it away, Douce! [Emcee yields the stage to the Police Chief. He enjoys the cheers and then the music starts.]
POLICE CHIEF: [sings the following song]
When they shout and raise their voices
I don't let it get me down
I just make some stupid noises!
'Cause you've lost all his invoices
Don't drink a bottle of sulphuric acid
Relax, make stupid noises![more stupid noises as the Police Chief dances around]
[the scene shifts to a binocular view of a television playing Il Douce's performance. Vyv lowers the binoculars and we're back in the guys's house. Vyv's belly is visibly enlarged and sticking out of his shirt.]
VYVYAN: You know, I have the most terrible craving for a piece of fried lavatory paper.[Holding his lower back, Vyvyan hobbles over to the bed, which is now in the middle of the kitchen, and lies down]
RICK: [warming his hands at the open refrigerator] Well, that's just too bad, Vyvyan, because you finished the last roll last week. [he tentatively approaches Vyvyan] Is there anything I can do for you, Vyvyan?[Rick gets boffed in the head by a convulsion]
VYVYAN: That's my boy![Rick has landed bum-first in the fire. Mike crowds around for the warmth the added fuel offers.]
RICK: Help! I'm on fire! I'm on fire![SCENE: Neil is outdoors on his police beat, wearing a full policeman's uniform. He seems oblivious to the message coming in on his radio.]
RADIO VOICE: Hello, PC-13? [CCCCHHHH] Hello, PC-13? Hello, PC-13?[SCENE: front walk of ramshackle house. Loud music is playing. There is a party going on inside. Somebody throws a chair out the window, almost hitting Neil. Neil approaches the front door and bangs on it with his truncheon.]
NEIL: Open up, it's the pigs! [no answer; he rings the doorbell] Open up, it's the pigs! [he knocks again][Warlock, an aging hippie, opens the door slightly, slides out, and leans against it in a classic talking-to-the-cop pose. He seems really out of it.]
WARLOCK: Uh...What's the matter, man, I was fast asleep on my bed. [recognizes Neil] Oh, hello, Neil, mate![Warlock looks nauseous]
NEIL: Look, Warlock, this is very heavy.[Warlock opens the door and Neil enters the house. Warlock leads Neil into the party as Neil gets ready with his truncheon.]
Come on in, man.[SCENE: Warlock's house. The air is thick with smoke and several hippies are partying]
WARLOCK: Hey, Neil's come as Mister Plod![Stonehenge, a female hippie, stumbles up to Neil]
STONEHENGE: There you go, Neil, it's safe here, this house is built on a ley-line.[frustrated, Neil silences the loud music by smashing the record player with his truncheon. Everyone is quiet.]
Right, listen... [he realizes what he's done]...
Oh, no...Led Zeppelin! Anyway, listen everybody, right, like I don't want to bring the whole evening down or anything, okay, but basically you're all under arrest.[Stonehende collapses aginst her wall. Warlock discovers Neil's radio and takes it out of his belt.]
WARLOCK: Hey, everybody, look what I've just found. [speaks into radio] [Neil is trying in vain to get the radio back]
Can you read me, Earth?[sound of screeching tyres as a squad of policemen barge into the room and begin beating everyone with their truncheons. Neil is swinging his own truncheon excitedly. He bops a male hippie over the head.]
NEIL: [enthusiastically] Yeah![SCENE: back at the guys' house. Rick's red boots are on the fire. Vyvyan, his stomach enormous, is lying on the bedframe. Mike is perched by his side. Rick squats on the floor. They are playing cards.]
VYVYAN: Four kings, two queens, and an ace.[he places it gingerly on Vyv's stomach. Mike and Vyv shake their heads.]
Damn![Rick sits on the floor and abruptly jumps back up]
Oh, God, Neil had bloody well better hurry up with the money! We've got no food, we've got no heat, we've got no lights, and now I've got a whacking splinter up my bottom![of course, a lorry comes smashing through the drawing room window.]
RICK: Bloody hell![The lorry driver jumps out of the cab and picks his way across the rubble]
DRIVER: Sorry, sorry... [SCENE: The Driver flees the house, running past two barking dogs.]
DOG1: It's a funny game, innit, eh?[Neil approaches the house and the dogs chase him and bark at him.]
[SCENE: The guys' house, now sumptuously decorated with antique furniture, priceless paintings, and silk screens. Mike, wearing a satin smoking jacket, sits on a chaise longue counting a wad of bills. Vyv reclines on a luxurious bed, defacing "Whistler's Mother" with a marker. Rick is swathed in fur and is shoving a bunch of grapes into his mouth. Neil stumbles in.]
NEIL: Oh, no...Wrong house. [confused, he goes outside and looks at the house number][back inside, a delivery man has brought in an armchair]
RICK: [aristocratically] Yes, yes, that's fine, thank you very much, little old man, have a large sum of money. [he hands a stack of bills to the delivery man, who nods his thanks and exits.]
Go away quickly.[he takes a box of cigars off the mantlepiece]
Cigar, Mike?[Neil barges into the drawing room, club raised, making siren noises.]
NEIL: WoooWoooWooo! Okay, freeze! This is a raid![Vyv shakes the open bottle, spraying Rick, who is sitting next to him].
NEIL: Button your lip, chummy! [Vyv gives him the sod-you sign. Neil handcuffs Vyv and Rick together]
You're on my manor and I've tumbled your game![pulls at Vyv's wrist]
Now I hope you'll all come quietly.[Neil hits Vyv over the head with his truncheon]
VYVYAN: Ow! Quick, get the stirrups! I'm going to have my baby now![Instead of giving birth, Vyv lets out a seemingly interminable fart. Neil and Rick almost pass out from the smell]
RICK: Quickly, the keys to the handcuffs, I'm suffocating![he searches his pockets for the keys]
[suddenly, Vyv stops, and Rick and Neil collapse.]
MIKE: [rushing back in] Is it over, then? Congratulations, Vyv. [he puts a cigar in Vyv's mouth]
Well, what have we got, a boy or a girl? [Mike is about to light the cigar]
RICK: No, Mike, NO!!!![EXTERIOR SHOT of the house exploding. The credits roll and the guy escape the house, their faces covered with soot, and stare despondently at the burning remains of their home -- except for Vyv, who is of course fascinated.]