The Young Ones!

The Young Ones:BAMBI 2

Written by Ben Elton, Rik Mayall, and Lise Mayer
Additional material by Alexei Sayle
BBC, 1984

[NOTE: Please send corrections to Steve Rapport. Thanks.]

[Vyv (carrying two coffee cups) and Mike enter the car. Vyv briefly gets stuck in the automatic door. They sit down.]

VYVYAN: [Giving a cup to Rick] There you are, Rick, that'll be five quid.

RICK: £5 for an empty paper cup?

VYVYAN: It had sugar in it.

[Rick gives him the fiver, which he rips in half and splits with Mike]

MIKE: Who are we playing, anyway, Neil?

NEIL: Footlights College, Oxbridge. It's going to be really heavy and tough.

VYVYAN: [pulling out a thick book] Well, I've done my revision.

MIKE: [reads the book's title] "The Daily Mirror Book of Facts: Did You Know".

NEIL: Do you think that's where they get the questions from?

[Neil starts reading the book with great interest]

"The world's record for stuffing marshmallows up one single nostril..."

VYVYAN: Ehhh, "Six-hundred and four, Toxteth O'Grady, U.S.A."

NEIL: Yeah, right! "World's stickiest bogey?"

VYVYAN: Ha! Tried to fool me. That's Toxteth again!

RICK: The World's Stupidest Bottom-Burp: Vyvyan, Britain!

NEIL: It says "Rick" here, actually.

RICK: Give me that! [Rick grabs the book]

VYVYAN: See, I've done my revision. I'm going off now to stuff loads and loads of paper down the toilet.

[Vyv exits]

MIKE: [to camera] I've often wondered who did that.

[SCENE: Vyvyan next to the train door. There is a window with a sign above it.]

VYVYAN: [reading the sign] "Do Not Lean Out of the Window". I wonder why?

[Vyv leans out the window and the train goes into a tunnel. He is decapitated. He pulls the emergency cord.]

[SCENE: back to the other three guys as the train stops]

RICK: Oh good heavens, what now?

MIKE: Somebody must have pulled the communication cord.

RICK: Well, it wasn't me, matey. If British Rail want fifty pounds they can blimmin' well go out and become a prostitute. Which they virtually are, anyway, come to think of it. [to camera] Right, commuters?

NEIL: Oh, no, we'll never get there on time now.

MIKE: Relax, Neil. Bambi's a personal friend. I introduced him to Walt Disney.

[SCENE: Outside on the tracks, Vyv's headless body is stumbling around. Vyv's head is on the ground, shouting directions.]

VYVYAN'S HEAD: Over here, over here...You took your time, you bastard!

[Vyv's body kicks his head along like a football]

[SCENE: Back in the train car]

RICK: Come on, come on! Get the thing started! God, what excuse is it this time? I suppose they'll be telling us they've been held up my Mexican bandits.

[SCENE: Outside by the engine car. Mexican bandits are holding the Train Driver at gunpoint.]

TRAIN DRIVER: That's a Zapata moustache, ennit? He's Mexican, wasn't he, eh? Funny, really, you know, Zapata. He starts out as a peasant revolutionary, and ends up as a kind of moustache. Che Guevara, he's another one. South American revolutionary , ends up as a sort of boutique. Garibaldi, Italian revolutionary, ends up as a kind of biscuit. It's quite interesting, you know, the number of biscuits that are named after revolutionaries.

You've got your Garibaldi, of course, you've got your Bourbons, then of course you've got your Peek Freens Trotsky Assortment.

[sings]

"Revolutionary biscuits of Italy / Rise up out of your box! / You have nothing to lose but your wafers / Yum yum yum yum yum!"

[pause]

I never really wanted to be a train driver, you know. I mean, they told me while at school, if I got two CSEs, when I left school I'd be head of British Steel. That's a lot of nonsense, ennit? I mean, you look at statistics, right. 83% of top British ma nagement have been to a public school and Oxbridge, right? 93% of the BBC have been to a public school and Oxbridge, right? 98% of the KGB have been to a public school and Oxbridge.

All you get from a public school, right -- one, you get a top job, right, and two, you get an interest in perverse sexual practices. I mean, that's why British management's so inefficient. As soon as they get in the boardroom, they're all shutting each ot hers' dicks in the door! "Go on, give it another slam, Sir Michael!" BAM! OW OW OW! "Come on, Sir Geoffrey, let's play thePanzer commander and the millkmaid, EW EW EW EW! YOO HOO!"

[Establishing shot of a Rolls-Royce driving out of Footlights College.]

[SCENE: Back seat, four rich kids: Kendal Mintcake, Miss Money-Sterling, Lord Snot, and Lord Monty.]

ALL: [singing] Rah, rah, rah, we're going to smash the oinks! Ha ha ha ha ha!

WASHING MACHINE: You know, it's a rotten shame. I went to see the Careers Officer in Big College yesterday, and he said all he'd got left is chairman of British Rail! Well, I wanted to be Director General of the BBC.

LORD SNOT: Yes, it's rotten, they gave it to Skapper just because he directed our world tour of "Hamlet" and wrote our hilarious revue, "What Ho, Darkie". Honestly, chairman of a nationalized industry -- I'd rather be a Cabinet Minister!

KENDAL MINTCAKE: Well, I'm alright, 'cause my Daddy's bought me the Socialist Workers' Party for my birthday!

MISS MONEY-STERLING: At least we're going to smash the oinks at Scumbag College in University Challenge.

LORD SNOT: We've just got time before my balls drop!

[SCENE: Vyv, Neil, Rick, and Mike, covered in mud and hitchhiking at the side of the road.]

RICK: Oh, God. If you hadn't pulled that communication cord, Vyvyan, that man would never have thrown us off the train.

MIKE: Rick, he threw us off the train because you said ASLEF was an anagram for "total and complete bastard."

NEIL: And apart from everything else...It isn't, even.

RICK: Oh, shut up, Neil. If you hadn't been born at all, then we wouldn't even be here, because there'd only be three of us, and three isn't enough to go on University Challenge. So it's your fault.

NEIL: Bambi won't wait.

MIKE: Relax, Neil, he's a personal friend. I helped him get the Babycham commercial.

NEIL: Really? Oh wow. Do you think they really do make it out of babies?

RICK: Oh, bloody hell! It must be 200 miles to Manchester, and I bet we've got to walk the whole blimmin' way!

MIKE: What are you talking about, Rick? I'm the greatest hitchhiker in the galaxy.

[SCENE: Lobby of a television studio. A Security Guard stands at the desk. The guys walk in.]

MIKE: See, told you so! [They start walking past the guard] Evening, Officer, University Challenge, Scumbag College.

GUARD: Hang on... [he checks his clipboard] You were supposed to be here two weeks ago.

NEIL: Well, we had to walk the last 200 miles.

MIKE: Didn't you get our message? Neil, why didn't you phone our message?

GUARD: [checking his clipboard] We did get a message, yes..."Beep beep beep, oh no heavy, the coins keep coming out, beep beep beep, even the telephone hates me, beep beep beep, I wish there were no machines, and everyone led a pastoral e xistence, trees and flowers don't deliberately cool you out and go beep in your ear."

NEIL: Yeah, that's the message, didn't you get it?

GUARD: Yeah, that was on the twenty-fourth. [Vyv attempts to enter the studio with a pig] Hang on, what's that?

VYVYAN: It's my mascot!

GUARD: A pig?

VYVYAN: No!

GUARD: It is.

VYVYAN: It's not, it's a ferret. A deformed ferret, I'll grant you that. So severely deformed in fact that it looks a little bit like a pig.

GUARD: Looks exactly like a pig.

VYVYAN: Yes, well, it certainly has been remarked upon. In fact, just as John Hurt is known as the Elephant Man, Bacon Sandwich here is known as the Pig Ferret.

GUARD: Bacon Sandwich? Funny name for a ferret, isn't it?

VYVYAN: Ha! And that's where I had you fooled. Because it's not a ferret, it's a pig.

MIKE: Well done, Vyv, you've certainly got him there.

RICK: Had you had enough, Nazi, or do you want some more?

[Rick gives him the 2-finger salute]

PIG: [in thought balloon] That's nothing, someone called me a policeman the other day.

[Bambi enters]

GUARD: Good morning, Mr. Gasciogne, sir.

BAMBI: Scumbag College? So you finally made it.

MIKE: Bambi, Bambi, my main man! So good to see you. You're looking good. Albeit you've lost a little fur since I've last seen you, and you're walking on two legs now I see...But still the same old Bambi!

[Neil is crying softly]

RICK: Shut up, Neil, shut up! What's the matter?

NEIL: I'm sorry, everybody. I'm sorry, Bambi. I'm just remembering, like, that bit when you got lost in the snow, and the rabbit found you, it was so beautiful...

VYVYAN: Yeah, I liked the bit where you shoved the drill in the virgin otter's face.

NEIL: That wasn't in "Bambi", Vyvyan!

VYVYAN: It was in the sequel, Neil. "Bambi Goes Crazy Ape Bonkers with His Drill and Set".

NEIL: [gravely] Is that true, Bambi? Did you do a Disney nasty?

BAMBI: So what if I did? I'm not apologizing. My life collapsed after "Bambi". I was a lovable faun alright, unusable for anything else. I took the Babycham stuff, sure, thanks to Mike here, but I was finished. When the porn "Bambi" came along, we ll, I thought, this is where I get something back...If it hadn't been for the chance to present University Challenge and start a new life, I'd be giving executive relief to woodland creatures to this very day.

RICK: Well, are you going to let us win?

BAMBI: No, of course not, the posh kids win, they always do. Come on.

[on his way out, Vyv leaves the pig-ferret with the guard]

[SCENE: the University Challenge studio. The contestants sit along two tiers: Scumbag College on the top, Footlights on the bottom. Theme music plays.]

BAMBI: Hello, and welcome to another edition of University Challenge. This week, the teams represent Footlights College, Oxbridge...

[Cut to preppy audience, all dressed alike in school blazers and scarves, with a Footlights banner. One holds a teddy-bear.]

AUDIENCE: Rah rah rah! We're going to smash the oinks!

BAMBI: Yes, that's the spirit. And Scumbag College.

[Cut to Vyv's hamster, Special Patrol Group, sitting in the audience.]

SPG: Oi! Up Scumbag! Up Scumbag!

[Audience boos. Close up of SPG and teddy-bear]

SPG: See you, teddy-bear, come 'ere!

[SPG bites the teddy-bear on the neck]

BAMBI: Yes, well, representing Footlights we have Lord Monty...

WASHING MACHINE: Hello.

BAMBI: ...Lord Snot...

LORD SNOT: Heh heh heh. [he sips champagne]

BAMBI: ...Miss Money-Sterling...

MISS MONEY-STERLING: Ah! [she sips champagne]

BAMBI: ...and Mr. Kendal Mintcake.

KENDAL MINTCAKE: [gives thumbs-up sign] Hi

BAMBI: And representing Scumbag we have Mike..

MIKE: Hello.

BAMBI: ...Prick...

RICK: What? [He leans over to look at his namecard, to which someone has added a "P"]

BAMBI: ...Vyvyan... [Vyvyan gives a double screw-you sign] ...and Neil.

NEIL: Vegetable rights and peace. [Neil gives a peace sign]

BAMBI: So, your starter for 10, no conferring: Born in 1311 of Manchurian stock, he came to...

[Neil buzzes in]

ANNOUNCER: Scumbag, Neil.

NEIL: Uh...Can I go to the toilet please?

BAMBI: No, I'm sorry, you're barking up the wrong tree there. 5 point penalty to Scumbag, full question to Footlights, no conferring. ...He came to represent the modal cathodic slipwit of the...

[Lord Monty buzzes in]

ANNOUNCER: Footlights, Monty.

WASHING MACHINE: Alright, now, eh, wasn't it, wasn't it Monk d'Wally d'Honque?

BAMBI: Yes, well, you're almost there, can you give me any more?

WASHING MACHINE: Certainly, will fifty pound do?

BAMBI: Absolutely spot on, well done Footlights, 10 points, and three bonus questions to you. "What was the name..."

[Lord Snot buzzes in]

LORD SNOT: Battle of Bannockburn!

BAMBI: Yes, well that's very well anticipated. Battle of Bannockburn it is.

[Neil buzzes in and waves his arms]

NEIL: Buzz, buzz...uh, sorry to hassle you or anything, Bambi, but I really do need to go to the toilet really badly, you know.

BAMBI: Yes, well, the second bonus question, to Footlights, who are ahead by 15 points, but it's early days yet...

NEIL: Oh, no, guys, I'm just going to have to wee on Lord Snot's head.

BAMBI: ...Who said, "Lawks a lordy, my bottom's on fire"?

[Kendal Mintcake buzzes in]

KENDAL MINTCAKE: Lenin!

BAMBI: Yes, I can accept that, although the exact answer is Joan of Arc. Well done, Footlights, 5 points. And what is the chemical equation...

[Miss Money-Strerling buzzes in]

MISS MONEY-STERLING: I've got a Porsche. Hee hee!

BAMBI: Yes, well, that's not exactly what I've got written on the card, but I knew your father, so Footlights leads by 25 points.

MISS MONEY-STERLING: Daddy sends hugs. Hee hee!

BAMBI: So, starters for 10, fingers on the buzzers...Who is the richest person in the world?

[Vyv accidentally buzzes in while dissembling his microphone]

ANNOUNCER: Scumbag, Vyvyan.

VYVYAN: What?

RICK: We're getting trashed, we're getting completely trashed! [the guys confer] Isn't there some way we can cheat?

NEIL: Guys, look, it's beginning to seep out.

MIKE: It's very simple, Neil. Use the jug! [Mike empties his water pitcher on Lord Snot's head]

BAMBI: Now I'll have to hurry you...Who is the richest person in the world?

[Lord Snot buzzes in]

ANNOUNCER Footlights, Snot.

LORD SNOT: It's me, isn't it?

BAMBI: No, I'm afraid not, your father's multi-national collapsed early this morning.

LORD SNOT: Oh, damn. [the water pitcher falls on Lord Snot's head]

BAMBI: So with the score still standing at 25 to nothing, here goes...

VYVYAN: [buzzing in] I'm completely bloody sick of this!

[he bashes in the floor and kicks Kendal Mintcake in the head]

Give us some easy ones, Bambi, you big bottom-boil!

MIKE: Relax, we can handle this...Vyvyan!

VYVYAN: [pulling out a hand grenade] Achtung! [he drops it on the Footlights team]

MISS MONEY-STERLING: It's not an automatic --

[BOOM the Footlight team is demolished.]

MIKE: Okay, Bambi, let's hear another.

BAMBI: So here goes with the starter for 10. What is the record number of marshmallows stuffed up one nostril?

[Mike buzzes in]

ANNOUNCER: Scumbag, Mike.

MIKE: Six hundred and four, Toxteth O'Grady, U.S.A.

VYVYAN: I told you that, Mike, you bloody cheat!

BAMBI: 10 points, Scumbag, and your question: Who produced the world's stickiest bogey?

MIKE: [buzzing in] Toxteth O'Grady.

BAMBI: Correct, 5 points.

VYVYAN: You bum bag!

BAMBI: The world's stupidest bottom-burp?

NEIL: [buzzing in] Rick, Britain!

BAMBI: Correct, 5 points.

RICK: It is not!

BAMBI: And finally, for 5 bonus points to take you into the lead: Who's been tampering with my question cards?

RICK: [buzzing in] It was me! It was me! Damn, damn!

[audience boos and pelts the Scumbag team with garbage. Suddenly, a gigantic eclair falls from the sky and crushes the guys.]

[SCENE: Dr. Carlisle's study. He is chatting with the elephant. The eclair has fallen off the box onto the microscope slide.]

DR CARLISLE: Oh no, this sticky-bun's covered with human beings the size of amoebas. [he feeds the eclair to the elephant] Here, Jumbo, get that through your esophagus.

ELEPHANT: Very good.

DR CARLISLE: Anyway, as I was saying...

[the Young Ones theme music and credits start and continue over the rest of the show]

DR CARLISLE: ...I've rather an interesting theory. Have you tried this new high-fiber diet?

ELEPHANT: Yes, I tried that. I lost a ton but I put it straight back on again.

[SCENE: Dr. Not-the-Nine-O'Clock-News is talking intimately to a stuffed bird]

DR NTNN: Look, I understand that many men must have asked of you that which you weren't prepared to give. But I pledge you my word of honor as a gentleman that I would never take that which you didn't offer freely, nor enter where I've been asked to remain outside.

[SCENE: Janet, the maid, is holding Bacon Sandwich on her lap]

DR CARLISLE: I was thinking, if you were to just dye your hair a wee bit, then you'd look a little bit more like... [the pig squirms away] Yes, I quite agree!