The Young Ones:BAMBI 1
[NOTE: Please send corrections to Steve Rapport. Thanks.]
BAMBI - Part Two
VYVYAN: Wait a minute, wait a minute...Who's this Mary?
RICK: What do you mean, "who's this Mary"? I've been talking about her for the last ten minutes!
VYVYAN: Have you?
RICK: Honestly, Vyvyan, have you been listening to a word I've said?
VYVYAN: No.
RICK: Well, pay attention. Mary, right, who's that tall girl doing geoggers...
VYVYAN: OH! You mean the one with the enormous tits!
RICK: They're minu...Vyvyan, would you stop being so sexist? They're called breasts, and everybody has them.
VYVYAN: Well, I don't.
RICK: Yes, and nor did Adolf Hitler!
RICK: Yes, yes, yes, yes, I believe some of the more politically unsound members of the Univerisity call her that, yes. So, anyway, Mary decided...
MIKE: Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.
RICK: What is it now?
MIKE: Who's getting married?
RICK: No, no one's getting married, Michael, I'm talking about Mary.
MIKE: Who's Mary?
RICK: Oh, God...
VYVYAN: [explaining to Mike] Look, I'm telling you, Michael, because when she gets drunk at parties...
VYVYAN: I don't know why you bother ever.
RICK: Yeah, right [snort] ...Anyway, Mary decided not to go to the party, for the obvious reason...
MIKE: Were we invited?
RICK: What?
MIKE: To the party, the wedding.
RICK: [exasperated] NOOOOO!
RICK: Answer the phone, Neil!
NEIL: What?
RICK: Answer the phone!
NEIL: Oh yeah, right.
[Neil is about to pick up the phone when it stops ringing.]
NEIL: Oh...Floppy disks! Anyway, look, never mind that...
RICK: What do you mean, "never mind"? What do you mean, "never mind"? That might have been a very important call, Neil. You're a complete teacup, aren't you?
NEIL: Mug, Rick.
RICK: What? Oh sorry, yes, DAMN, DAMN!
NEIL: Anyway, listen, guys...
VYVYAN: No, no, Neil, you listen! I've been waiting here half an hour, half a bloody hour, Neil, being hungry, waiting for my tea, and listening to that [points to Rick] bogey-bum!
NEIL: Oh, that's my fault, is it? Oh yeah, it's always my fault. Why don't you cook your own tea, Vyvyan?
VYVYAN: Because I do not cook the tea, Neil, you do!
NEIL: Yeah, and what did you make me cook on that first day?
VYVYAN: Eh...Sausages. It was a Tuesday.
NEIL: Yeah, sausages, and...
VYVYAN: Sausages and plants and goldfish. Look, I've discharged my responsibilities, Neil, now you discharge yours.
RICK: Hey, Mike, that sounds like a cue for a really dirty joke, doesn't it!
MIKE: Shut up, Rick.
NEIL: Leftovers.
RICK: Neil, I hate you.
NEIL: Oh, yeah, that's right, pick on me. I mean, I've already had personality hassles from a complete stranger today.
VYVYAN: [rooting throught the garbage with a fork] Hey! There's a dead rat in there! Great!
MIKE: Yes.
NEIL: Come on guys, I can handle it, you can tell me, do I smell...What do you mean, "yes"?
VYVYAN: We mean yes you smell...Smelly!
NEIL: Oh, great, yeah.
MIKE: Sit down, Neil. [Neil sits at the table]
NEIL: Sorry.
RICK: Hands up, who likes me! [there is no response]
MIKE: Guys, no wonder Neil's smelly. [He indicates the notebook] According to the house list, it says the last time we went to the launderette was the 23rd of October...nineteen-eighty-one. Guys, it's wash day.
VYVYAN: But why, Michael? I myself have three pairs of socks, and three pairs of knickers. That means I've only worn them... 269 times each since the last wash.
RICK: I said, hands up, who likes...
MIKE: Rick! We heard what you said. Now, guys, brace yourselves, there's no avoiding this, and I'm not talking about my chopper, we are going to the launderette!
VYVYAN: Oh, no, please...
NEIL: No, not the launderette...
RICK: [stands up abruptly] Why don't you like me?
VYVYAN: Because you're a complete bastard.
RICK: Vyvyan, I'm being serious!
VYVYAN: So am I. You're a complete bastard and we all hate you.
RICK: [shaking his head] I find that rather difficult to believe.
VYVYAN: Do you want to bet on it? I'll put down a fiver.
NEIL: Yeah, me too.
MIKE: You can count me in as well.
VYVYAN: Coward!
NEIL: Yeah, yellow chicken!
RICK: Alright, I'm not scared!
VYVYAN: Right, then, a fiver!
RICK: Oh, I haven't got any money.
NEIL: What about that tenner I lent you this morning? For your sister's operation?
VYVYAN: You haven't got a sister, Rick! You're the classic example of an only child.
RICK: Alright, alright, are we going to bet or are we going to piffle around all night? [slaps money on the table] There's a tenner!
VYVYAN: Quiet, everybody, the bet's on!
RICK: Right. Hands up, who likes me!
DAMN! Right, that's it, I'm going to kill myself.
VYVYAN: No, we won't.
MIKE: I didn't even want the first one.
VYVYAN: I don't know, Neil, but I'm going to stay and find out.
NEIL: I think I'm going up to my room for a bit...
DR CARLISLE: Ah, thank you, Janet. [He takes an eclair from the tray]
JANET: Oh, Dr. Not-the-Nine-O'Clock-News is here to see you.
DR CARLISLE: Is he? Well, I'd best conceal this sticky bun by placing it precariously on the edge of this box. [Dramatic music] Show him in.
DR CARLISLE: Calm yourself, Dr. Not-the-Nine-O'Clock-News, we are men of science! We fear no worldly terrors.
DR NTNN: Pray, remember, sir, he is human! He is...a man!
DR NTNN: You unfeeling bastard, sir! [Speaks to the elephant]
I hoped perhaps he might understand.
ELEPHANT: [in voiceover] I am an elephant, you know.
SOCK: I'm not going back in there! It stinks!
MIKE: Vyvyan, if you can't keep control of your socks, you shan't be allowed to have any!
RICK: [coming in from upstairs] Oh, that's nice talk coming from a vegetarian!
NEIL: Socks aren't vegetables, man, they should be wiped out!
RICK: I hope you're satisfied, Doctor Neil Goebels! It's dead now.
VYVYAN: We can't Mike.
MIKE: Why not?
VYVYAN: Because they don't open for another eight hours. It's midnight.
MIKE: Right, that's it, we're going upstairs to bed very fast, now.
RICK: Oh, oh, so it's completely brilliant. And now we've all got to go to the launderette just because Vyvyan says so! It's like we're living in Nazi Germany. Neil, I hate you.
NEIL: Oh, wow, don't bring me down and hassle me, Rick. I'm really confused. [to camera] I'm just not feeling myself today.
RICK: Mike, you could do a really good joke, couldn't you, about feeling yourself!
VYVYAN: [grabbing Rick by the collar] Shut up or I'll kill you!
MIKE: Okay, guys, come on. As the one guy said to the other guy when he was getting fed up, I'm getting fed up. I want to wash my smalls, and I don't mean dip my tiddlies in a glass of water. Let's go!
VYVYAN: Right. [Points to Rick's hat] And take that stupid, girly bonnet off!
RICK: Hah! They said that about...eh...uh...Something that took a long time to finish.
VYVYAN: I hate these places. They're so depressing. You know, Michael, I would rather go to a lecture than a launderette.
MIKE: Come on, Vyvyan, don't exaggerate.
RICK: [Tugging at Mike's sleeve] Hey, I know a joke about that as well. Listen, pay attention to me. "I told you a million times, do not exaggerate!" [Rick laughs; Mike stares at him] Get on with it, Neil.
NEIL: Oh, wow! Technofear! It's happening again! All the machinery's ganging up on me! Vyvyan!
VYVYAN: Get out of the way, Neil! Me and machinery have a very special understanding. [He talks to the machine] Now then, don't give me any gip, you bastard.
NEIL: Maybe they mean washing powder, Mike. Um...Oh, look, maybe if we got all the horrid sludgy bits out of the other machines we could get enough.
MIKE: Neil, you carry on...Right, "if you require conditioner..." Well, do we?
MIKE: No, we don't want to go mad. Right, "Insert two 50-pence pieces..."
RICK: Yeah! You know what they say, "dirty pants, clean botty!"
VYVYAN: My knickers are so old, it's only the stubborn understains that are holding them together!
RICK: Yeah, right on! One thing's for sure -- when Lenin led the revolution in Russia, no way did he do it with a spotless bott!
VYVYAN: YEAH! I LOVE MY BOTTOM SPOTTY!
NEIL: Yeah...Yeah...Let's never wash our clothes again!
MIKE: What do you mean, "again"?
NEIL: Yeah, yeah, we could be, like, the dirtiest students in the whole world.
MIKE: Hey, now there's a challenge!
NEIL: OH! [jumps up] OH! WOW! I just remembered what it was I had to tell you! Oh no, what's the time?
MIKE: Now, Vyv, here's your chance. [He shows Vyv his watch] Right, now see the big hand there? That's on the two, right? Now, the little hand is on that one there, just before the twelve.
Now, what's that one?
VYVYAN: [uncertain] Eleven?
MIKE: Perfectly excellent! So what's the time?
VYVYAN: [thinks for a moment] Uh...Half past five!
NEIL: That means we have exactly two minutes to get to the station!
RICK: Oh, cock-a-doodle-doo, Neil! What are you talking about?
NEIL: We've been picked to go on University Challenge...tonight! [Dramatic music]
MIKE: Music!
RICK: Oh, come off it, Neil, you little swotty-pants. Just look at you, swotting away for teacher like a total spazmo. You're just an utter creep, really, aren't you? You've done loads and loads of work on it and I haven't done anything, nothing a
t all. Go on, test me. Go on, test me!
NEIL: You just said you hadn't done anything.
RICK: Don't be clever, just take the book. [Rick throws his notebook at Neil]
NEIL: Alright, but verbatim regurgitation is against my principles.
RICK: I'm asking you to test me on it, not throw up on it! Right, do it properly and don't skip bits.
NEIL: [reading the title of the notebook] "O-Level History Notes"?
RICK: Yes, bit of pretty bloody billiant luck, eh? We're doing exactly the same period as I did for O-Level!
NEIL: [Reading from the notebook] "Prick is a wonker. Signed, the rest of the class."
RICK: Ah, yes, now, that was a sort of "in joke" that we had in my form. Actually, I was incredibly popular and everyone thought I was great.
NEIL: "...I agree with the rest of the class. Signed, Teacher."
RICK: Just test me on the stuff, will you? [Indicating a different page] There!
NEIL: Alright, alright, don't get uncool and heavy. "Crop rotation in the 14th century..."
RICK: Right. [reciting] "Crop rotation in the 14th century was much more widespread..."
NEIL: "Considerably".
RICK: What?
NEIL: It's "considerably more widespread", not "much more".
RICK: Well?
NEIL: Well, you said, "do it properly."
RICK: Well, not that much, you stupid bloody hippie!
NEIL: You said, "do it properly and don't skip bits!" How was I to know that wasn't important?
RICK: Well it wasn't important, alright? Shall we just get on and stop wasting time like this? Right. "Crop rotation in the 14th century was _considerably_ more widespread...after..." God, I know this...don't tell me..."after 1172." [Neil is s
ilent] Well, was I right?
NEIL: No, but I didn't think it was important.
RICK: Well, what was it, then?
NEIL: You just said not to tell you.
RICK: I bloody well did not!
NEIL: Yes you did! You said, "Don't tell me" just before you said, "1172."
RICK: But I only meant for a minute!
NEIL: What, a minute from now, or a minute from then?
RICK: Look, just shut up and tell me the answer!
NEIL: Shut up AND tell you the answer?
RICK: JUST TELL ME THE ANSWER!
NEIL: John.
RICK: Thank you..."John"?
NEIL: Yeah, "John" is the answer.
RICK: "Crop rotation in the 14th century was considerably more widespread after John?
NEIL: "...Lloyd invented the patent crop rotator."
RICK: Oh, yes, I knew it, I bloody knew it!
NEIL: You didn't, you didn't, you said "1172"! That's not a bit like "John".
RICK: [hysterical] You spiteful bastard, Neil! Just because you've done loads and loads of work for this, just because you're a creepy little swot you've done about 15 million tons of work for this, like a girl, and I'm so hard and street
and cool that I've done absolutely bugger all, and you've done loads, look at it, loads and loads, loads and loads... [he starts making a mess of Neil's papers]
NEIL: Stop it, Rick! It's only University Challenge, Rick, it's only University Challenge!
RICK: ...loads and loads, loads and loads...
End of part one...
[OPENING SCENE: Rick, Vyvyan, Mike sitting at their kitchen table. The phone is ringing. Rick is telling a story. Mike is writing in a notebook.]
RICK: ...Which, if you ask me, is about as clever as going to the toilet without taking your trousers down! Anyway, Mary decided...[brief cut to SCENE of Neil running down the street]
VYVYAN: Oh, I know who you mean. "Old Yellow Pages".[again brief SCENE of Neil running down the street. He trips over a dust bin, spilling its contents. He notices a hippie-ish satchel among the rubbish and picks it up. Then he sees a dead pigeon also in the rubbish, picks it up, and puts it in the
satchel. He continues running.]
MIKE: [to Vyvyan] I still don't see why that means they should call her "Yellow Pages".[Vyv mimes the 2-finger Yellow Pages walk]
RICK: Vyvyan, please! Will you both please try and grow up and pay attention? It's my story, it's bloody amusing...Honestly, I don't know why I bother, sometimes![cut to SCENE of Neil running around the corner and into the house. He rushes into the kitchen, out of breath. The phone is still ringing.]
NEIL: Guys, guys, listen, I've got something amazing to tell you![Neil, defeated, begins cooking the meal]
That's what we agreed when we first came. You do the cooking, I look after the plants and goldfish.[Rick sulks. Neil dumps the contents of the kitchen garbage can on the table in front of Vyvyan]
MIKE: What's this, Neil?[He eats the rat's head]
NEIL: Yeah, this complete stranger came up to me, right, and called me smelly! This complete stranger shouted "smelly!" at me! I wouldn't have minded if he was a hundred _yards_ away... [he raises his arms and leans over Rick and Vyv]
I mean, come on guys, you can tell me truthfully, do I smell?[Vyv, Neil, and Mike put their money on the table]
RICK: Yes, eh, I...I don't bet.[Rick throws both arms into the air, while the other three guys drop their hands to the floor]
[He removes his belt]
Then you'll be sorry![Rips the tenner in half and gives one half to Mike]
NEIL: [Rooting through the garbage] Does anybody want the last chick pea?[Rick has the belt around his neck and has climbed upon a chair. He is trying unsuccessfully to attach his noose to the ceiling]
RICK: I feel sorry for you, you zeros, you nobodies. What's going to live on after you die? I'll tell you -- nothing, that's what![Exasperated, Rick gives up on hanging himself and jumps down from the chair. He grabs a large bottle of pills, shows it to the others, and starts stuffing pills into his mouth]
NEIL: [sotto voce to Vyvyan] Vyv, Vyv, uh, can you, like, actually kill yourself with laxative pills?[Runs upstairs, head down. Rick swallows some more pills defiantly at Neil's back.]
RICK: This house will become a shrine! And punks and skins and Rastas will all gather round and all hold their hands in sorrow for their fallen leader! And all the grown-ups will say, "But why are the kids crying?" And the kids will say, "Haven't
you heard? Rick is dead! The People's Poet is dead!" [Vyv starts hanging around looking expectantly at Rick's bum]
RICK: And then one particularly sensitive and articulate teenager will say, "Why kids, do you understand nothing? How can Rick be dead when we still have his poems?" Then another kid will say... [Rick emits a long, loud fart].[The camera zooms in suddenly on a box of matches on a shelf]
BOX: Don't look at me, I'm irrelevant.[Clanging noise heard as Neil comes running panicked down the stairs]
NEIL: Oh, no! Oh wow! Guys, guys, quickly -- one of Vyvyan's socks has escaped![Shot of the guys from directly above. Cut to SCENE: a Victorian scientist, Dr. Carlisle, in his study, looking through a microscope]
DR CARLISLE: Amazing! Absolutely amazing. Human beings the size of amoebas. [He removes the slide and places it his desk]
[The maid, Janet, enters bearing a tray]
JANET: Here's your afternoon tea, Dr. Carlisle.[Dr. Not-the-Nine-O'Clock-News enters the study]
DR NTNN: Prepare yourself, sir. I have a patient outside whose deformities are so grotesque that you will question how the Almighty could suffer such a blasphemy upon his earth.[Dr. Not-the-Nine-O'Clock-News leads an elephant into the room]
DR CARLISLE: It's an elephant, Doctor.[SCENE: back to the guys' house, where Mike, Neil, and Vyv are battling Vyv's sock]
VYVYAN: Get back in the sack, sock![The sock attacks Neil, who jumps out of the way]
NEIL: Help! I'm being hassled by a killer sock![Vyv begins hitting the sock with a cast-iron frying pan]
NEIL: Kill...Kill...Kill...Kill...[Respectfully, Rick removes his hat. Vyv hits him on the head with the frying pan]
VYVYAN: Rick, it was a mercy killing.[Smoke and unearthly screams from the dead sock]
MIKE: Right, that's it, we're going to the launderette, now![Closeup on the guys' feet as they run up the stairs. Immediately the light comes up, a cock crows, and closeup on their feet as they run down the stairs. The guys alight in the living room. The actors are all in the wrong characters and costumes,
however:Christopher Ryan is Neil; Rik Mayall is Vyv; Nigel Planer is Rick; Ade Edmonson is Mike.]
VYVYAN: Wow, morning! Completely brilliant! Let's go to the launderette.[Rick takes off his hat, and Neil's long hair tumbles out]
NEIL: Right, let's go.[They all jump up into the air -- BOING -- and disappear...]
[NEW SCENE: They reappear, landing on a city street outside the launderette. The actors are now back in their characters.]
VYVYAN: God! That was quick![They enter the launderette. Vyv's dust-bin liner full of laundry emits green smoke. A pair of knickers is too slow in following him. Vyv points at the knickers -- "Oi!''-- and they fly into the launderette after him. Several people flee the laund
erette, choking and gagging.]
[SCENE: in the launderette.]
NEIL: Come on, guys. Like, the sooner we start, like, the sooner we finish.[Neil stuffs laundry into a washing machine, which spits it back out.]
WASHING MACHINE: No way![All the washing machines in the row slam shut their doors oneby one as Vyv approaches]
VYVYAN: Oh dear. [Sotto to the guys] This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence. [Loudly] Oh, la-di-da! Look what I found in my laundry bag. All of Felicity Kendall's underwear, that needs a good wash!
[The machine makes a lecherous sound and opens its door.]
VYVYAN: NOW! [The guys stuff their laundry into the machine, which gags and shakes in protest. The others hold the door shut as Mike reads the operating instructions.]
MIKE: Now, "make sure that the door is firmly closed" -- no, we've done that -- right, "fill the tray with powder" -- Powder! What do they mean, "powder"? Gunpowder, curry powder, cocaine? I mean, what's on their minds?[Neil collects some sludgy bits and tastes them. He lookssurprised, and eats some more.]
RICK: No, Mike, that's just for people washing their hair.[All action stops suddenly]
[SCENE: The guys are back sitting dejectedly at the kitchen table.]
NEIL: Come on, guys, I don't think we should let this experience bring us down. I mean, what's so wrong with dirty clothes, anyway?[Close up on Mike, with ***several frames from "The End" of an old Western film*** edited in]
MIKE: "Dirty duvet, dirty mind."[Rick, Vyv, and Mike jump from their chairs]
VYVYAN: To the station![MOTORHEAD appears in the living room playing "Ace of Spades" as the guys rush off. Scenes of the band playing are interspersed with the guys' antics in King's Cross Station (London) as they rush for the train, in a parody of "A Hard Day's Night":
Rick steals a magazine from a kiosk but ends up paying for it anyway; the guys run through a door marked "No Entry"; Vyv grabs a plastic-wrapped doughnut from a snack bar counter, stuffs the entire thing in his mouth, and gives the cashier a "screw you" s
ign; Neil is impatient waiting for his photo booth pictures; Mike enjoys a gin & tonic, but when he turns his wrist to check his watch, spills the drink on himself; Vyv and Rick ride the luggage cart; they get on the train with moments to spare.]
[SCENE: Rick and Neil on the train, scenery whizzing by. Papers are spread out on the table before them. Rick is casually fixing his hair while Neil nervously shuffles the papers.]
NEIL: Oh, I wish we'd missed the train after all now. I'm just not going to be able to answer anything, I just know it.